Vladimir Putin
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They say his twig is forged from pure Siberian uranium, and his skate blades are coated with the purest silver in all of Vladovostok. He comprises the center position of the "Chechen Tank Line", which vanquishes its opponents by stunning use of unnecessary force. Allegations of coercion of officials have been proven false, as the rulebook is frequently used to back up Putin's interpretation and no fault has ever been found. Large black permanent marker strikes in past editions of the rulebook remain largely unexplained, however.
Despite only being in the league for one complete season, Putin has twice been voted National Hockey League MVP, in fair, free and democratic popularity contests among NHL fans. Minor irregularities were reported when Toronto Maple Leafs season ticket holders and staunch Vesa Toskala supporters arrived the day of the vote sporting missing hair and teeth, but these charges were dismissed when authorities categorically substantiated that the deformities were attributed to causes other than the Polonium found in the bottom of their beer cups.
Rules for MVP voting will be changed to allow Putin to compete (and win) without actually having to play the game any longer. These amendments will have to go through the NHL board of governors, pending their recovery from radiation poisoning, once again, related to unconnected and purely coincidental events.
2007-08 Season
In the winter of 2008, Putin decided to hand over the symbolic team captaincy to noted goaltender, his friend Medvedev, although the responsibilities of this new post are largely undefined. Putin will retain his title of Head Coach, MVP, and Chair of the Council of Penguins Commissars.
