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I'm An Anachronism, Get Me Out Of Here.
I'm An Anachronism, Get Me Out Of Here.

Students have it easy. Essentially they get paid to spend three or more years of their life getting drunk and copulating with each other.

Some facts about students :

  • In a pub, students will always order drinks individually, so if you are stuck behind a group of more than three students at the bar, you may as well give up, as it will take forever for the barmaid to diligently take each order, pour the drink and then wait around as said student counts out the money exactly to "avoid breaking a fiver". Usually everyone will be drinking the same (probably a pint of snakebite), but none of them will realise that a round system would be more efficient, because they are scared that they may end up more than 10p out of pocket to the people who are supposed to be their friends.
  • On the street, students will often carry around a large ream of papers to look like they're busy with work. In actual fact, the stack will consist of a copy of FHM or Cosmopolitan and some funny pictures they found on the internet.
  • Students tend to coalesce into groups of similar minded people.
    • Jocks - Tend to be part of the university football, rugby or lacrosse team. But may well just be the water carriers. Jocks go around pubs in town wearing rugby shirts, drinking pints of Stella and setting their genitals on fire to impress women.
    • Athletes - These people differ from jocks by the fact that they do sport for the sport, and not to fulfil some vapid homoerotic list of desires. Will spend every waking moment when they are not working or eating stewed fruit in training, and generally making everyone else feel bad about our flabby bellies and fat arses.
    • Geeks - The geeks are in their element at university, as this is the point where they finally meet like minded people and realise that they are actually superior to everyone else. Geeks can most often be found in the library at 9 pm on a Saturday, imbibing knowledge while their peers are busy getting shitfaced.
    • Rockers - These students dress all in black, usually with Napalm Death logos on their t-shirts. They pretend to be goths by wearing leather straps around their necks and black lipstick. Female rockers tend to be frumpy as hell, but have their pick of their male rock bretheren, who are usually only too happy to impress with their ability to tunelessly strum an electric guitar very loudly.
    • Indie Kids - Indie kids like bands whose names start with "The". They wear suit jackets with t-shirts in an attempt to be alternative and spend most of their time moaning how much everyone elses music tastes are rubbish and claiming any bands in their collection that other people have actually heard of are "sellouts".
    • Girlies - Girlies tend to congregate around Jocks in sweaty nightclubs. Usually start plans to get ready for a night out three days in advance. They enjoy cockteasing jocks by wearing tiny dresses and grinding up against each other on dancefloors, before retreating to a safe distance for the rest of the night to have a guilty talk on their mobile phone with their boyfriends. Grlies tend to secretly hate every other girlie for being prettier than them and enjoy spreading rumours about how easily each other will put out behind others backs.
    • Rebels without a clue - These socially conscious gippers will form societies such as "Anti War Soc" and "Free The Guinea Pigs Soc" to make themselves feel like they're making a difference, which of course they're not. Will walk around with placards and vats of fair trade coffee shoving obnoxious leaflets in peoples faces. Usually operate in the same circles as local Jesus Crews. After university, most likely to become Green Party candidates, or join one of those dumb as fuck extremist animal rights groups.

It should be noted at this point that Imperial College has a slightly different distribution of students.

  • Subjects fall into two categories.
    • Fucking impossible (e.g. Sciences, Engineering, Maths) - Usually the mainstay of geeks, with random baffled indie kids and jocks thrown in. Nobody really enjoys a single moment of these degrees, as they tend to involve around 67 lectures a day, where the students sit in bafflement as the lecturer scribbles meaningless greek symbols onto a blackboard.
    • Doss subjects (e.e. Sociology, English Literature, Arts) - Subjects of girlies and effeminate jocks. These are the sorts of courses that everyone else wishes they'd done, as they tend to involve one lecture on a Tuesday afternoon, followed by a lot of sitting around in the sunshine, drinking cappuchinos, reading books for fun and espousing philisophical nonsense with the beautiful people.

Sometimes both categories involve exams.

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