Sauber

From Frikipedia

Overview

A F1 team that spent over a decade from 1993 to 2005 redefining the word "bland".

History

The mere idea of a Swiss F1 team caused spontanious yawns across the decadent F1 pit lane. And yet, in 1993, the people who bought us cuckoo clocks, neutrality and a handy place for escaping fascists to store their pension funds finally turned their attention to the most glamourous of sports.

The early years saw Sauber sport an almost memorable dirty black livery and a series of dullard drivers, including Karl Wendlinger (who listed his passions as knitting and sharpening pencils), JJ Lehto (so dull they named him twice) and Heinz-Harald Frentzen (who they plucked from relative obscurity starring in The X Files).

Results were steady and unspectacular. Sauber prided themselves on never finishing in the top three or the bottom three in the Constructors championship, considering any such act to be "newsworthy".

In 1996, Sauber controversially changed livery, to accomodate Red Bull. Though their fans reacted disinterestedly to the change of colours, Peter Sauber assured them that it would never happen again. And it didn't.

Throughout the late 90's Sauber got progressively worse, though not spectacularly so. They employed such partyboy drivers as Mika Salo (famous for his crossword solving skills) and Johnny Herbert (Famous for being the non-famous English one).

In a desperate attempt to drum up some sort of publicity for the increasingly slightly bored sponsors, Sauber signed Nick Heidfeld and Kimi Raikkonen for 2001. Despite the au pair charges for the two drivers, Peter Sauber was almost bothered enough to worry if the plan would work.

It didn't. Kimi waited until he was somewhere more famous before descending into alcoholism, and the other driver was never heard of before or since. The team continued to finish in quiet mid table positions throughout the 00's, only causing a stir when the FIA mistakenly thought they were fielding 18 car grids and were therefore in crisis.

When BMW decided they needed a blank (preferably beige) slate to begin their fledgeling F1 team from, they decided to buy Sauber for an amount of money that is not worth writing about. Peter Sauber retired to a life sized cuckoo clock in the Alps, and the paddock mourned the passing of an unforgettable team. For about 5 minutes, then everyone got on with what they had been doing.