Relentless
From Frikipedia
Contents |
Overview
Highly-caffienated energy drink from Coca-Cola, looking to challenge Red Bull for dominance in the market of sleep-deprived people who don't like the taste of coffee.
Offers more bang for your buck than Bed Rull, due to it coming in a large can the size of your average beer can.
The Taste Test
In the interests of science, Friki recently decided to test out a can of Relentless and here, it documents the findings of that experiment.
First Impressions
Relentless is the same urine colour as Red Bull, though with a slight green tinge. The taste is almost identical to Red Bull, but with the addition of a bizarre aftertaste, which is somewhere between Calpol and toilet water.
The first glass
The Relentless slides down the throat remarkably easily (its status as a liquid aiding the process). Friki notes only mild concern that the can is barely a third empty and feels more alert than it had a few minutes ago. Reactions on a three-player game of Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii improved dramatically.
The second glass
First sign of Friki's hand shaking noted. Taste begins to grate with the palette and never-ending can still seems as full as it was before the start of the glass. Golf swing is compromised by onset of shaking and Friki triple-bogies the crucial par 5 seventh.
The third glass
In between turns on the Wii, Friki now finds itself unable to stay still without clutching a cushion or piece of furniture to steady the now-rampant shaking of entire body. Time seems to be going quicker than before and Friki is occasionally consumed in a giggle fit.
The fourth glass
The final drops of the hellish syrup. It is now clear that the experiment has gone badly wrong and Friki has gone past "alert" to full blown "hyperventilation". Heart palpatating badly, life begins to flash before eyes, golf game abandoned as Friki curls up on the sofa in foetal position moaning gently and swearing aggressively at companions.
The Aftermath
After a few hours of nightmarish hypersensation and being unable to think without voicing thoughts to the room loudly, Friki regains control. But the damage has already been done. It is not until 3am that Friki finally gets to sleep, some 12 hours after the experiment began. Friki now feels overtired and has a horrible headache. Perhaps the only thing that will cure its malaise is another can of Relentless. And that, children, is what adults call "addiction".
Conclusions
More dangerous form of drug abuse than injecting dodgy opium directly into your eyeball. No human being should ever be so tired that they require that amount of caffiene. If you think you are indeed that tired, go back to bed. Relentless simply isn't the answer.
Side Effects
- Tourettes Syndrome
- Chronic caffeine addiction
- Tremor
- Multiple organ failure
- Death (if you're lucky)
- Affection for cricket (if you're not)
