Pittsburgh Penguins

From Frikipedia

NHL team rife with petulant, whinging children. This is due to Pittsburgh's repeated finishes in the league basement, leading to them getting all the top draft picks. These young brats think they are God's gift to the game and are owed at least 10 Stanley Cups before they've even grown pubes.

Media Hype

The media hype surrounding this defensively irresponsible, mid-pack NHL squad makes James Allen's love for Lewis Hamilton seem tame. Even though it is an 82-game season, each and every Penguins game against a Canadian opponent is seen as the "homecoming" of our barely-20-year-old next "Great One", Sidney Crosby. This is the child who since his eighth birthday has been hailed as the next best thing to hit the ice since fine Canadian whisky or the Titanic.

Friki note: In reality, Toronto Maple Leafs fans are only jealous because it gave the media in the center of the universe something else to cover for a change, as they were getting tired of the Leafs' forty years of mediocrity.

In addition to Crosby, the Penguins feature other young "phenoms" such as Russian defector Evgeni Malkin, of the "Chechen Tank Line", and Jordan Staal of the aptly-named "How many f**King Staal kids are there in the NHL now, their mother must have been popping kids out non-stop!" line. Luckily for the other teams in the league, the defensive pairings on the Penguins are among the least effective in modern history. This in fact led head coach Michel Therrien to proclaim "They should get 40% of their paycheck, because they only are trying 40% of the time!"

Friki Note: Unlike most of the content on this page, this quotation did actually happen...Friki greatly apologizes for this factual accuracy and promises a prompt return of bubbish and holnesses in the future.

Tantrums

As one would expect, with such a young hockey team, temper fits are par for the course. It becomes particularly nasty when the players begin throwing their toys from the play pen behind the bench if they are very upset. Pittsburgh has done extremely well in convincing the referees that their kids need special protection, therefore the new "Vladimir Putin Rule" was implemented, which makes it an automatic 2-minute penalty for hitting, touching, teasing, or making faces, or otherwise antagonizing a Penguins player, before, during or after a game. In addition, players on the other team must share their own toys with them whenever asked.

The Future

Rumours of yet another Vladimir Putin comeback to the Pens' lineup have been quashed by the fact that recent proposed amendments to the NHL Constitution will deem him eligible for the voting of the league's Most Valuable Player Award, despite not actually playing.