Parties
From Frikipedia
Large get together of friends. Despite careful planning, always inexplicably ends up being large get together of people you don't really know or like.
Parties are useful for two reasons. Either you have just redecorated and want to show off your new kitchen units, or you want to redecorate by plastering your walls with other people's vomit.
As you get older, the type of party you go to changes.
Contents |
Stage 1: Kids Parties
All ice cream and jelly, usually topped off by a borderline-child abuser in a clown outfit, who impresses the kids by making suggestive balloon models on demand.
Serves as an opportunity for parents to offload their kids on someone else for an afternoon.
Stage 2: High School Parties
When you get too old for jelly, you move onto these.
The drill is well rehearsed. You invite your friends around and your parents buy you a small crate of soggy lager to share amongst half of the school before toddling off to a restaurant.
Ten minutes after they leave, someone raids your dad's drinks cupboard, downs three-quarters of a sip of whiskey and vomits on the cat. Someone else throws a chair leg through the TV, and the school stud and school slag disappear to share 63 seconds worth of passionless sex in your parents' bedroom.
Your parents return to find the cat is dead, their house stinks of Richmond Menthol and the living room is full of pubescent boys nervously reaching for second base.
This will be the last party you have for a while.
Stage 3: University Parties
When you move to uni and rid yourself of the shadow of your parents and the cat's grave, you can party properly.
Invite several thousand people using the uni e-mailing system, and club together with your housemates to buy enough Tesco Value spirits to fill a large plastic tub with a rancid, and often deadly, cocktail (usual mix: 1 part gin to 1 part vodka to 1 part brandy to 1 part whiskey to 25ml of orange juice).
Everyone will turn up clutching four cans of Skol and down your vat of cocktail. An emergency alcohol run to the local off license yields more precious beer and everyone is happy.
Fruit will be thrown about, and at least seventeen couples will have sex in your bed whilst you unsuccessfully stagger around determined to impress the Geoff from your morning lecture with your ability to down Aftershocks, little realising she's shagging your best mate in the upstairs toilet.
The toilet will break at some point, and everyone will start urinating in the garden. Someone will go mental and try and kill someone, and there will be at least one person sitting on their own in the lounge that everyone else denies inviting.
Wake up, see devastation, cancel rental agreement and move.
Stage 4: Housewarming Parties
Classier occasions used by people to show off their first steps on the bloated property ladder. Will feature endless discussions of house prices and the local area, whilst you curse the fact that a) there isn't enough booze, and b) all the buffet snacks taste like olives.
Stage 5: Grown-up Parties
Usually dinner parties, in which one couple invites another couple to eat a meal, drink wine and talk dullard nonsense to them. One of the people will have too much of the wine and start flirting with one of the other couple.
See also: divorce.
Stage 6: Wake
You won't be invited to this.
Types of party that don't really exist
- Skins parties.
- Sober parties.
- Good fancy dress parties.
