Offside
From Frikipedia
The ultimate man test.
If one can recite the offside rule correctly using two pint glasses and an ashtray in the pub, then one possesses a functioning penis.
However, if one mistake is made in the recital, one must be either a smelly girl or a metro.
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The Rule
When Friki was a lad, the offside rule was simple, namely being:
A player is said to be in an offside position if he is nearer to his opponents' goal line than both the ball and the last defender when the ball is played to him, unless he is in his own half of the field of play.
However, recent changes in the offside rule has opened up a loophole, namely if a player is active or not.
What the fook?
Exactly.
Officially, a player is said to be active it he is "interfering with play" (i.e. having the ball), "interfering with an opponent" (i.e. being in the goalkeeper's line of sight, or sodomising a defender over the corner flag) or "gaining an advantage by being in an offside position" (i.e. scoring from a rebound from a free kick).
This means that on occasion, a player who is technically offside when the ball is played, is not actually committing an offence unless he subsequently touches the ball or "interferes" with someone. Or something.
The drawback
The new rule has had the major drawback of it now being impossible to correctly recite in the pub. This has led to a confiscation of all penises across Europe, record numbers of subscriptions being taken out for GQ Magazine, and it is expected that the subsequent lack of opportunity to conceive will force the human race into extinction by 2150.
Quotes
- "When the ball was PLAYED, ref!" - Friki has been to watch Wycombe Wanderers play twice. Both times it was sat behind the same Home Counties mong who insisted on shouting this phrase at the top of his voice every time a Wycombe player was flagged offside. This was despite the fact that he had a far worse vantage point than the linesman giving the decision, and the fact that it made no sense at all. Friki secretly hoped he would choke on his half-time Bovril, but he never did.
