Myspace

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You, too, looked better on Myspace there, ace.
You, too, looked better on Myspace there, ace.

At the arse end of the Internet lies Myspace, a web-site which allows people with bizarre fetishes to communicate with each other. The telephone is not good enough for these people, they feel the need to create blog-like pages complete with tasteless wallpaper and lame background music.

What's the point?.. No, really...

Officially termed a "social networking website", MySpace currently takes up 99.6% of all internet bandwidth use across the world. For every blog, it is estimated that there are 10,000 MySpace pages. However, despite their number, it has to be noted that a MySpace page that serves any purpose other than to shamelessly self-promote a singularly tiresome human being has yet to be found.

Contents

MySpace for Dummies: An Introduction to the delights of being an online loser

Essentially, MySpace allows you to set up a blog-like homepage for yourself, which every human being on the planet between the ages of 12 and 35 have done.

Once this page is ready, you can then fill it with as much self-congratulatory narcissism as you can get your fat fingers on. Maybe try uploading some badly lit camera phone photos of you and your friends on a night out. Why would any other member of society be interested in a crappy student pissup full of dullards pulling faces you may wonder? If so, delete your homepage, you are not one of MySpace's kind of people. Of course people want to look at you.

Back up these astoundingly irrevelant sets of photos with a number of self portraits, taken using your digital camera and a mirror as you sit in your bedroom. Ensure that the background of each self portrait is littered with piles of dirty clothes and unwashed plates. That kind of rebellious attitude to cleanliness and hygiene really appeals to todays youth. However, if you want to fully utilise MySpace users of the opposite sex, ensure that you minimise all the filthy website windows on your computer screen before taking the picture.

Along with looking at you, people also want to read all about you, so try adding reams of information about your life to your blossoming homepage. Maybe add some hobbies, but remember to keep them as facile as possible. Perhaps you like listening to music? Or going to the cinema? Well write that down, let the world know. Don't worry yourself with the glaring issue that nobody on God's green Earth actively dislikes listening to music or going to the cinema, it makes you sound cool.

To sound political and well-read, add a scathing editorial piece about the Western world's foreign policy and treatment of the Islamic world. Something along the lines of "Blair sux. Free Iraq. LOLZ!" really gets to the heart of the matter. Turn the whole thing into a blog. Keep people appraised of the weather, or tell the world about your fascinating ideas about saunas. As Field of Dreams (almost) told us, "If you build it, they will come".

Your homepage is really looking good now, what with the combination of your designer headshots and inspirational personality. But you know what you need to really make it on MySpace? A band. By band, yourself on the badly tuned guitar you stole from your brother's room and your mate on his four piece drumkit should do. If you can cajole the spotty kid from college to play the bass, all the better for you. As for a song, simply write some delicate lyrics around a deeply personal but resonant theme. It could be about that night you went out and got drunk, or when that girl/boy left you for another girl/boy, or when you left that girl/boy for another girl/boy, or it could be about something else. These are just examples. Feel free to be original, though not inspiringly so.

You've got the photos, the blog and now you've uploaded the music video you recorded in your dad's garage. Now all you need is some friends. Recruit these by searching for people with similar interests. A search of people who have listed "music" as an interest may return over 300,000 pages. Add them all. You don't want to look unpopular.

Hopefully, some of the people targetted by your online carpet bombing spam campaign will reciprocate and link back to your page. Given the fact that most users do little else than sit around masturbating to the sight of their own homepages, replies should be almost instant.

Congratulations, you are now a fully fledged member of MySpace. Now try the whole process again on Facebook.

The good things about MySpace

Scientists have recently discovered the only real way to enjoy MySpace:

1. Open an internet browser, go to www.myspace.com and wait for the page to load.

2. Locate the little "X" button on the browser page which closes the window.

3. Click it.

The bad things about MySpace

Too numerous to properly cover here. However, let us point out the key issues.

Firstly, people claim they use it to talk to their friends. The problem they are missing is that friends don't reside on the internet. Internet friends are for people too stupid, ugly or fundamentally unlikeable to have real friends. The noted difference between MySpace friends and real friends is that doing stuff with real friends involves talking to them, perhaps in a bar or pub, whereas doing stuff with MySpace friends involves sending complex and stupid smileys across cyberspace because you've realised that beyond a common liking of "music", everyone in your online group actually has nothing to say to the others.

Secondly, people can use MySpace to align themselves with new bands in order to pretend that they knew them before they were famous. This whole process has become the scourge of the indie music scene over the last few months, to the point that if NME need a new pretty-boy soft-punk cover band for their increasingly desperate-looking magazine, they simply search MySpace for the page with the most friends, and offer the bunch of slack-jawed oxygen thieves the search throws back a photo shoot and video.

This glorification of the online band scene has resulted in a mass creation of emotionless, emo claptrap unheard of since the days when grunge was cool. At least when the nation's youth took it upon themselves to become the next Kurt Cobain, they usually only bothered their parents and neighbours with their incessant tuneless racket. But now, as with most things in life, the internet means that life isn't that simple anymore.

Perhaps there is some good in MySpace somewhere. Friki has to admit that on occasion, it has read the odd worthwhile blog (the ones set up to document the Hurricane Katrina disaster by people left behind in office buildings spring to mind), so by extension, there has to be some good in MySpace somewhere. Sadly, the sheer omnipresence of cack MySpace pages being bandied about the world wide web like an opium harvest on the turn forces Friki not to bother searching for them. To attempt would be like looking for a needle the size of an atom in a haystack the size of the universe, armed only with a shovel and a pair of mittens.

Summary

Perhaps the most damning indictment of the MySpace movement can be found in the fact that Jacques Villeneuve set up a MySpace page for his recent, and comical, foray into the French-Canadian popular music scene.

Friki rests its case.

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