Manchester United
From Frikipedia
aka "Manure", "Scum", "Wankchester", "Kent F.C.".
Contents |
Overview
Insufferably successful football team. In American, would probably be called a dynasty. Though not the one with Joan Collins and the massive shoulder pads.
History
Won the odd trophy in their dim and distant past, but it was when Sky invented the Premiership that they really became so depressingly omnipresent.
This season saw them wrap up their 18th Premiership title, beating the only-slightly-less-annoying Chelsea to the trophy. This statistic is most impressive when you consider that there have only actually been 15 Premiership seasons, so to win 18 of them is dominance in anyone's book.
Famous Manure People
- Sir Alex Ferguson - Red-faced, gum-chewing Scottish manager of the club, usually found on the touchline looking angrier than a man from suburbia who has just found his neighbour's tree encroaching onto his garden. Refuses to talk to the Match of the Day team anymore, since the BBC may have inferred he wasn't perfect at some point. Ferguson has used the threat of also refusing to talk to them to successfully reduce ITV and Sky Sports post-game interviews to little more than a lover's tryst, with Geoff Shreeves firing down questions which translate as "Why are you so much better than every other human being, Mr Ferguson?" and fawning to the point that you almost expect him to shout "love you!" at the Scot as he stalks away at the end of the talk.
- Cristiano Ronaldo - Stepover-performing Portugese winger, with an inner-ear imbalance which causes him to fall over a lot. Not content with being a gifted, millionare footballer, Cristiano is also currently nailing Gemma Atkinson off of Hollyoaks. Which makes Friki very cross indeed.
- Wayne Rooney - Weird Sloth-from-the-Goonies-a-like striker. Scores the odd goal, but usually spends his time kicking lumps out of opposition players and swearing at the referee, like a Scouse scally outside a pikey nightclub on a Saturday night, spoiling for a fight after downing one too many Jagermeister and Red Bulls.
- Malcolm Glazer - Small dwarf. Bought the club a couple of years ago by using the world's biggest bank loan, thereby saddling the club with masses of debt, rather than allowing for Roman-style megabuck spending. Has attended half a game since buying the club, walking out of a home tie against Bolton at half time because he was late for a beard curling appointment.
The Future
Have just spent £17 million securing the multi-accented Owen Hargreaves from Bayern Munich, who becomes United's fifth defensive midfielder signed in the last 18 months.
Will probably continue to win everything available to them until Fergie retires, and the Manure board install useless mess Steve Bruce as manager in a hopeless display of loyalty.
