Kimi Raikkonen
From Frikipedia
Contents |
Background
Hails from Finland. Although his birth is believed to have been due to mistake during a genetic experiment designed to extract the charisma out of a young Mika Hakkinen.
Enjoys Booze.
Tries to win races, but cars break down. This is entirely down to the inability of Mercedes to build a decent engine, and nothing at all to do with the amount of strain Kimi is putting the car under.
Can't speak properly.
Regardless of the actual result, always beats Montoya, eliciting the joyous cry of point to Kimi.
History
Kimi was thrust into the combative world of F1 in 2001 when he got a drive with Sauber. Despite the fact that he was only 14 years old, and his only previous racing experience had been half a season of Formula Renault on the Playstation, he acquitted himself well, beating his 15 year old teammate Ickle on at least half an occasion.
For 2002, Kimi moved to McLaren, where he fulfilled his destiny and became Ron Dennis' new Finnish toyboy, replacing Mika Hakkinen, whose batteries had run out. He adapted to the stresses that come from having David Coulthard as a teammate, and despite this obvious disadvantage, McLaren were regularly as crap as everyone who wasn't Ferrari throughout the 2002 season.
Since then, he has stayed at McLaren through thick and thin (rumours that he wanted to leave but couldn't enunciate his desire were quickly mumbled to one side) and after beating the almost mighty Coulthard a few more times, mercifully sending him into retirement at Red Bull, he got an spiffy new team mate for 2005 in the voluptuous form of Juan Pablo Montoya.
Throughout 2005 and early 2006, Kimi has effortlessly stuck to the task of making slightly fewer mistakes than Montoya, and therefore retaining bragging rights for irony free Kimi fans on forums everywhere. Both drivers have wisely ignored the F1 drivers title, in favour of ensuring a constant demand for Mercedes engine parts and looking shiny.
Armageddon Averted
Rumours abounded throughout 2006 that Kimi will join The Chin at Ferrari for 2007. This move was subject to an investigation by the International Science Commission that such a partnership would create a charisma vacuum so vast, it would swallow the universe as we know it.
The ISC findings were presented to the world's media shortly before the Monza GP of 2006, when it was revealed that any pairing of The Chin with Kimi would indeed threaten the very stability of the universe. In a display of the kind of casual selflessness he has never been characterised with, Michael chose to retire to Switzerland, which he recently bought with a downpayment from his Ferrari retirement package.
Kimi's straight man in 2007 will instead be Felipe Massa, back in action after a busy off season polishing his own face.
The Future
Massive underachievement in another title-winning car. Recycled excuses from blinkered fans.
Kimi Raikkonen Quotes
- "You'll have to ask the team." - Usual response in times of happiness/despair/intrigue/frustration/disappointment/joy.
- "Mmmm, frrr llll mhmmmmhm." - Kimi speaks of his delight at having won the Japanese Grand Prix in 2005 on the last lap.
- "Yfmm, hrrm trrn hrrrr fmmm lll tmmmnnnm." - Kimi's controversial comments regarding gay marriage.
- "Dddd yrrrr rkkknnn mmmm smmmkkk." - Kimi's emotional outburst regarding his favourite pair of trousers.
- "Glll mmm yrrrr prrr rrrrm hrrrr nmmmmm." - Kimi's answer to the quest for world peace.
