John Barnes

From Frikipedia

Legendary football player and part time rap artist.

More recently has found employment by proving himself unable to read an autocue as the presenter of the Channel 5 live football programmes.

Examples Of Barnes' Greatness

• The Anfield Rap.

• World In Motion by New Order.
  • Barnes' rap:

You’ve got to hold and give

But do it at the right time

You can be slow or fast

But you must get to the line

They’ll always hit you and hurt you

Defend and attack

Theres only one way to beat them

Get round the back

Reading that part, Friki is unsure as to whether he's talking about football or some clever way of evading rape gangs.

Catch me if you can

Cos’ I’m the england man

And what you’re looking at

Is the master plan

Though that's not what you're hearing.

We ain’t no hooligans

This ain’t a football song

Except it was sung by the World Cup 1990 football squad as the official England World Cup anthem. Or maybe he's admitting it is all about gang rape?

Three lions on my chest

I know we can’t go wrong

It was this misguided belief that caused him to attempt the rap in the first place.

Friki Links

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nQItOROYlc - The whole glorious song. Expect Chris Waddle's mullet, Peter Beardsley's perpendicular features popping up when you least expect them, and some very tight sports clothing. John's seminal moment happens 2 minutes and 30 seconds in, if you can't be bothered to wait.