Jean Alesi
From Frikipedia
Overview
A Franco-Sicilian Formula One driver who drove for such great teams as Sauber, Ferrari (Pre-Chin mind) and Prost. Is rated alongside Godzilla and Mothra in Japan.
History
Alesi joined F1 in 1989, but no one took any notice until 1990 when Alesi, driving for Tyrrell managed to pass Ayrton Senna who had become distracted by a vision of Jesus at the apex of a corner. Riding the wave of fan hysteria that followed this moment Alesi ignored a great chance to move to Williams and made the absolutely bubbish decision to join Ferrari, who at the time had not seen a podium without the aid of binoculars for at least 2.73 decades.
Thus Alesi prattled about in a red car held together by coffee grounds borrowed from Minardi and failed to achieve any level of success, until Canada 1995 when everyone fell off the road and Alesi crossed the line for his maiden, and final, victory. Confused Canadians raided the track believing that somehow Gilles Villeneuve had returned to them; Frikipedia believes Canadians had this issue because 1) They're silly, and 2) No one seriously believed Alesi could win a GP.
Alesi's victory made Ferrari realise how warm and fuzzy winning made them and so in an endevour to win every single remaining Grand Prix of all time they (finally) fired Alesi and replaced him with The Chin.
Alesi drifted from crappy team to crappier team eventually ending his career in a Jordan. His final race ended when Kimi Raikkonen spun on a "hrmm mmmble nnnng" leaving Jean with the decision to end his career with a points paying position or smack the wall. Firmly believing in the theory that 'your lifestyle should determine your deathstyle' Alesi went out of his way to hit the spinning Sauber.
And so, with his trademark trudge back to the pits before lap 7 Alesi's overrated run in F1 came to a close.
Post-F1 Life
After his average days in F1 came to an end, Alesi turned his attention to politics, and has recently been elected as the new French president, successfully beating his left-wing rival.
Alesi will now look to push through his proposed reforms, including increasing exports to Japan, declaring the day of the Canadian Grand Prix a national holiday and forcing state television to show endless replays of the 1995 race, and making Louise Goodman his first lady.
