Inappropriate Football

From Frikipedia

Game played during a heatwave on small patches of grass where people are picnicking, sunbathing and generally relaxing. It is characterised by taking place unnervingly close to these other users of the public space, thus knackering their one chance during a busy day to recline in the sunshine.

Rules

The rules of Inappropriate Football are as follows:

• Players should stand in a large circle, preferably encompassing as many seated non-players as possible, and for advanced players, an occupied bandstand.
• Throw/kick/head the ball (or frisbee, stick, apple, dog - the actual implement is not important) to another player. Advanced players/cocks may wish to bamboozle the others by looking in one direction and throwing in another, or performing an elaborate trick before/during the throw.
• If the other player catches the ball/frisbee, the game continues.
• If the other player fails to catch the ball/frisbee, the game continues.
• No matter how many times the ball/frisbee hits a member of the public, it is vitally important that the players do not move to a more appropriate spot. Otherwise they will all have lost.
• The winner shall be the first player that wins.

Background

Inappropriate Football was invented in 1926 and has a number of functions:

• It alleviates the boredom of the hyperactive, sporty types who have been sitting still enjoying the sunshine for fifteen seconds already, and feel the need to get hot and sweaty.
• It deludes jocks into thinking they are impressing nearby Geoffs. In fact they are just being irritating and should fuck off.
• It makes fat bastards like Frikipedia feel that they are taking advantage of the weather and doing some exercise. This is not true, as the only time you move during Inappropriate Football is to retrieve the ball/frisbee from the salsa dip of someone's nearby picnic. It does not, therefore, constitute exercise.