I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

From Frikipedia

ITV's Ant and Dec-hosted Z-list celebrity torture platform. Now one of the only opportunities for viewers to gawp at the tellybox at an actual celebrity-based reality TV show after the demise of Celebrity Big Brother for legal reasons, and the demise of Celebrity Love Island for reasons of decency.

Shockingly, according to Friki's limited research on the programme, has racked up seven fun-packed series in recent years, and the latest one started just the other day.

It stars:

• Cerys Matthews, aka "That Welsh singer out of mid-90's flash-in-the-pan indie group Catatonia".
• Marc Bannerman, aka "Some bloke off Eastenders".
• Jason Brown, aka "Former member of dangerous and angry boyband Five (In the words of Simon Amstell, "East 17 were just car thieves. Five could have killed.")".
• Gemma Atkinson, aka "Pneumatically-chested former Hollyoaks star and sometime model for the whole gamut of 'lads' mags'".
• Anna Ryder Richardson, aka "An interior designer from an old BBC interior design show".
• John Burton Race, aka "The least famous "famous chef" ever, who has a face which was sculpted by a child from a lump of plasticine and then left next to a patio heater".
• Lynne Franks, aka "The woman who was the basis for the character Edina in Absolutely Fabulous" (Friki note: The Guinness Book of Records has confirmed this is the weakest ever definition of a celebrity).
• Rodney Marsh, aka "Former pundit from Gilette Soccer Saturday, who was sacked a few years ago for making an ill-timed pun about the Asian tsunami".
• Janice Dickinson, aka "Aged, botox-filled supermodel from the 70's".

It was also supposed to star Malcolm McLaren, the former manager of the Sex Pistols and star of the film A Clockwork Orange. Sadly, prior commitments in the field of hair and the washing thereof meant he stropped off the show before it even started, and was replaced by Katie Hopkins who you may remember from Friki's epic Apprentice review. She was the horse-faced bitch queen one who was voted out a week or so from the end, and remains so oppressively vulgar that you have to be physically restrained from stabbing at the TV screen with a kitchen knife.

So far, so predictably desperate. The only really interesting bit from the opening show (which Friki was "forced" to watch) was the bizarre opening meeting between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Upon hearing about her love of fishing, Bannerman then embarked on an extended, and somewhat grotesque line of questioning seemingly designed to establish precisely how much of a bloodlust the Welsh lass possessed. "You catch fish yeah? What, you eat them afterwards do you, yeah? Do you gut them yourself, yeah? What about the heads?" he ranted on and on. Pleasingly, her deadpan remark of "I eat the heads, don't I?" seemed to shut him him. Though worryingly, it wasn't clear if she had been joking or not.

By far the most interesting character was Janice Dickinson (which sounds like a compliment, but its really like Friki describing gonorrhea as "by far the most pleasant of the STDs"). With the years having taken its toll on her mind and the doctor's knife having taken its toll on her lips and neck (and breasts, and forehead, and legs, and arms, no doubt), she entered the show in a genuinely unhinged state, appearing to be a couple of lines short of a brain haemorrhage. Sadly, as is the way in viewer vote-based eviction TV, she'll be out the door at the first opportunity, as a legion of moronic viewers pare away the remotely entertaining characters until only the blandest, smileyest gimps remain. Friki would say this guarantees Gemma Atkinson the victory, but the resounding voice of the bitchy female audience will probably mean either the Welsh one or the dullard boyband twazzock wins instead.