Hangover Rating System
From Frikipedia
Contents |
Overview
Method of specifically rating your body's angry response to a night of filling it with all manner of toxic substances. Attempts to predict the level of hangover as you flop into bed are usually way out.
The System
Level 1 - Mild Hangover
Symptoms: Mouth feels a bit dry, breath slightly pungent with whiff of congealed lager even though you brushed your teeth less than five minutes ago. However, head feels normal, you were in work on time and are slowly, but steadily working through the tasks for the day.
Outlook: Curse self for being such a wuss and promise yourself to drink more tonight.
Level 2 - Mid-range Hangover
Symptoms: You woke up ten minutes late and had no time for breakfast, so your stomach is gurgling with the dregs of that last pint without having anything to soak it up. You find yourself avoiding talking to work colleagues out of a fear that your breath smells a bit like a rotten bottle of gin and briefly consider grabbing an all dayer in your morning break. Work is a passing annoyance, foregone in favour of blindly surfing the internet and sending random e-mails. You have a nagging worry that you can't really remember getting home, but are confident you spent the night in your own bed.
Outlook: Grab a hearty lunch, and that should pave the way for a two hour window of "hard work" in the afternoon before the inevitable sleep deprivation takes over.
Level 3 - Full-on Hangover
Symptoms: It is mid-morning and you're just setting off for work, having briefly attempted to bribe a friend to phone in sick for you. Despite having consumed an entire Starbucks-worth of sickly black coffee, you are still struggling to stay awake. The bacon sarnie you grabbed from the local cafe is in serious danger of returning to the outside world, from either end, and it has failed to quell the sound of your guts, which is audible to the entire bus and sounds like a rabid pack of wild dogs are ripping each other to pieces somewhere near your colon. Upon reaching work, you plan to turn on your computer and make apologies, before disappearing into a toilet cubicle for the rest of the morning and much of the afternoon. Patchy memories of fighting/snogging/eating strangers keep surfacing from the depths of your fuggy mind, whilst you were aware as you left the house that there were at least three items of furniture in your living room which hadn't previously been there.
Outlook: Keep inconspicuous in office with strategic toilet breaks. Spend rest of day staring blankly at computer screen as more memories of falling into a hedge come starkly into focus from the depths of your bruised head.
Level 4 - Crippling Hangover
Symptoms: You cannot see. Your head is filled with a dense sludge where once a brain lurked. You have forgotten where you work and hence cannot go there. Your clothes are covered in dirt, indicating you may have spent a portion of the night asleep in a ditch somewhere, and you can't find your shoes. Your mobile phone is filled with angered replys to text messages you can't remember sending, all received at around 4.30am. There is a person you have never met before in your kitchen making toast.
Outlook: Go back to bed. If you make it through the next few hours of fitful sleep, see it as a blessed sign from the Lord and vow never to drink again. Make plans for big Friday night piss-up.
Level 5 - Why am I in a hospital?
Symptoms: You wake up to find that a week has passed, your extended family are gathered around your hospital bed, and surgeons have had to replace three of your organs. Added to that, you have suffered a major concussion and a ropey woman you've never seen before is filing a paternity suit against you. A policeman is waiting to question why you were found staggering naked down the central reservation of the M1 trying to start a fight with passing lorries.
Outlook: There is no cure. You have played the game and lost. Enjoy dialysis, loser!
