David Cameron

From Frikipedia

aka The Hollow Man.

Stylish, smiley new leader of the Tory party, henceforth to be known as "New Conservative".

Fundamentally devoid of any thoughts or opinions of his own, Smiley Dave (as he likes to be known) has spent his first year of leadership touring around the country and tacking himself onto various anti-Blair campaigns and protests like a leech with a BSc in opportunism.

Promoted his newly discovered "green" values shortly after Al Gore started moping on about climate change like a demented hippy by cycling to work and installing a small wind farm on the roof of his house. The fact that he had a large gas-guzzling Lexus following behind him with his change of shoes and ring binders in, or that the windmill produces around about enough energy per month to power a defibrilator for an ant was merely water off his slicked and polished back.

After that unmitigated success, Smiley Dave's next target was chavs. Specifically, "hoodies". The type of hardcore chav that hangs around on street corners with their faces covered casually knifing passers by for fag money. Smiley Dave urged everyone to "hug a hoodie". Possibly metaphoricaly, but literal interpretations of this have produced 34 serious injuries and three shock marriages in greater London alone.

Also pioneered new heights in cringeworthy politics by having his own blog, and recording short videos of his relentlessly perfect home life (the rather pathetically titled "Webcam-eron"). In an attempt to get in touch with the common man, Smiley Dave smiled his way through washing the dishes, changing a nappy and possibly engaging in a brief, passionless bout of missionary sex with the missus, while his servants waited off camera.

Nowadays, Dave is preparing for the 2008 election by sitting in his limo, waiting for protests to occur. As soon as one does, he hightails it across the country, pulls out his soapbox and assures the "good people of [insert organisation here]" that he would "never allow [insert bone of contention here] to happen under Tory rule". Presumably because he'd be too busy privatising it.

Friki may be a little overly sarcastic here, but in fairness it matters not what anyone says. The Political Cycle has almost come full circle, and by 2008, Smiley Dave will be prime minister.

All hail Smiley Dave!

Soundbites

• "I'm not sure how I feel about that. What do the opinion polls say?"