Here are some little known facts about clubs :
- Nobody over the age of 21 actually enjoys clubbing. Largely because most clubs are simply full of younger, trendier and prettier versions of yourself having far more fun than you ever did.
- The chances of getting into a club wearing trainers is directly proportional to your breast size.
- The time taken to get served at the bar in a club is directly proportional to your breast size.
- Pulling in clubs stopped being fashionable in 2004. Coincidentally the last time Frikipedia pulled someone in a club.
- Never go clubbing in a group of less than six people. You will die.
- The toilets in most clubs contain over 6,000 different strains of bacteria.
- Male toilets in clubs account for over 99% of that figure.
- A man who tries to dance like Justin Timberlake is 95% less likely to pull than a man that doesn't.
Types of Club
There are simple methods of differentiating between types of club:
- Not Really Clubs (NRCs) - Tend to be godawful Lloyds bars or Scream pubs that stay open late on a Friday and Saturday night, justifying this decision by hiring an awful DJ, turning the lights down and clearing a small space towards the back of the room to be used as a dancefloor. Will be frequented by large groups of drunk chavs who spend all night spilling bottles of Becks on each other and shouting "Oy oy!" at passing groups of slaggy-faced women busily shivering their nips off because they've gone out on a night out in Leeds dressed in an item of clothing of roughly the same dimensions and thickness as a tea towel. See also: plubs.
- Student Clubs (SCs) - Will tend to simply be random "nights" at other clubs. In which the prices of alcopops, Vodka and Red Bulls and whichever is their scummiest bottled lager will plummet and the entire music set will be a mix tape of pseudo-ironic 80's singalong pop garbage designed to allow for evening denoument of entire dancefloor linking arms for drunken heartfelt karaoke rendition of "Living on a Prayer".
- Mainstream Clubs (MCs) - Ultra popular final destinations for every group of workmates on a tawrdy end-of-week crawl of depravity. Will usually have a queue outside that runs twice the length of the city and inside will be hideously complicated rabbit-warren type setup, where dark corridors connect the "main room" to the "cheese room" to the "chillout room" to whatever other genres the owner has managed to shoehorn onto their premises. Wannabe-trendy MCs will have unisex toilets, in the mistaken belief that its cool for people of all sexes to watch a pilled-up idiot rampantly urinating into a sink.
- Alternative Clubs (ACs) - Not really alternative anymore, due to unnecessary and confusing acceptance of "alternative" lifestyle by under-20's society. Will play mix of CDs collected for free off the front cover of NME along with terminally confused dance gibberish purloined off of Myspace. ACs are filled with insufferable wannabe-Skins cast members, drinking "crazy" spirits and spending more time uploading strategically posed photos of their "beautiful friends" onto their Flickr account than actually enjoying their night out. See also: Cookie Club (post-2002), Rescue Rooms.
- Poncey Pretentious Tithouses (PPTs) - Populate the West End and are spread liberally across other large cities in England. Will tend to be filled with C-list celebrities and wannabe moneygrabbers, all paying £2000 for bottles of champagne and £50 for a bottle of ridiculous sounding lager, in the mistaken belief that the whole pointless process somehow makes them a more believable human being.