Chelsea
From Frikipedia
Obnoxiouly rich football club.
Contents |
History
In the mists of time (i.e. pre-2004), Chelsea were fairly bubbish. They tended to finish in commendable mid-table positions without ever really threatening to achieve anything.
Nevertheless, their fans were proud and friendly and other clubs fans held a grudging admiration for their play, which tended to show a great deal of skill and flair, to the detriment of their almost non-existant defence.
As time passed, and the more marketable Premiership was born, increased revenue allowed Chelsea to invest in foreign players full of continental flair, such as Gianluca Vialli, Gianfranco Zola and Roberto di Matteo. They also added the same level of Europeanness to their choice of managers, bringing across the crazy Claudio Ranieri and, rather lamentably, Gianluca Vialli again.
Still they battled on, winning the odd FA Cup and trademarking the old fooballing cliche "They're trying to walk the ball into the net!" as their own, as fans flocked to see their team string together 65 straight passes around the opposition penalty area before forgetting to actually score, conceding posession, and allowing their less silky opposition to grab a late winner off someone's arse.
When They Became Annoying
In the summer of 2003, rich oil baron Roman Abramovich tired of Subbuteo and decided to try playing it in real life. So he invested a fair bit into Chelsea Football Club. All that he asked in return was a director's box to smoke his weed in, and an unofficial renaming of the club, to Chelski.
Thankfully for the other Premiership clubs, Roman let Claudio Ranieri manage the team for another year, and the money available to him made Claudio go a bit ga-ga. He spent six squillion pounds on around 35 new players over the summer before realising that the FA would only allow him to field 11 at any one time. He got upset by this, and Chelsea failed to claim the title in the midst of the confusion as to who was actually supposed to be playing descended on the dug out.
Sadly, in 2004 Roman decided he actually wanted to win stuff, and sacked crazy Claudio in favour of the Portugese MILF, Jose Mourinho. Jose spend another 25 squillion buying a further 34 players, including promising-but-ultimately-a-bit-crap England youngster, Shaun Wright-Phillips, whom he bought solely to pick out Petr Cech's rampant nostril hair. He then sent most of Claudio's lot to various charity schemes set up to lower the average age of a player in Serie A from the current age of 45.
Since then, Chelsea have become impossible. They win the Premiership title before it has even begun, and the only entertainment left in European football is waiting for them to get knocked out of the Champions League. And then laughing.
The Fans
All this wouldn't actually be so bad if the Chelsea fans weren't so utterly blase about the whole thing. Not a scrap of decency or shred of magnanamous comment will be found here. Only loud, lager powered chanting and the odd racist slur towards other train passengers.
It has been scientifically proven that there are no rational Chelsea fans.
The Future
More Premiership titles. More raucous laughter in mid-March as a team that plays better football than them knocks them out of Europe.
