Argos
From Frikipedia
Massive shopping empire operating out of every shopping centre in England. Hugely profitable despite offering a slightly worse afternoon's experience for shoppers than an afternoon in the sensory deprivation tank at Guantanamo Bay.
Upon entering an Argos store, you instantly become connected with everyone else in there. An underlying unspoken thought runs in tandem in everyone's mind, shopper and employee alike. This being a strong desire to be anywhere else other than in Argos.
The process of buying stuff
Long and complex. Argos has very little on display, instead listing its products in an enormous series of laminated catalogues, which are placed on giant altar-like platforms around the entrance to the shop. Customers are invited to browse these for their required products, and the whole things looks like a dystopian consumerist religious reading in the church of St Tesco.
Once the product you require has been located, you follow the following simple process to customer heaven:
- Write down the product number on a little slip of paper, using the same kind of crappy little pens you get in a bookies.
- Take said slip of scrawled-on paper to a checkout, where a disinterested-looking employee will type the number into their till and shout back at you whatever the product is, for some reason. You then pay for your item, whilst the number that was just entered into their computer system is wiped from the memory of the machine. You are now assigned a "collection point" to go and stand at. Though this is really to get you out the way of the cashier and bears no relevance to where your product will eventually appear.
- Meanwhile, upstairs in the warehouse area, a group of neolithic troglodytes wander aimlessly around massive stacks of microwaves and hairdryers, occasionally randomly picking something up and throwing it onto a conveyor belt, which then travels to the collection point. Using the "infinite monkeys and infinite typewriters" argument, eventually something they choose will correspond with a product that a customer has ordered, though this process can take many months.
- The collection points are all served by one member of staff. It is vitally important that this person spends at least 92% of his or her time at work flirting with one of the troglodytes at the top of the converyor belt. Occasionally, however, this person will throw the random products from above onto a series of racks, allowing the customer to eventually see what they have purchased when it finally arrives, but crucially keeps the customer standing the other side of the counter, staring at it.
- Eventually, the customers that complain the loudest get their products thrown at them, and they leave satisfied.
Friki Fact
Friki's first ever job was working as a troglodyte in an Argos warehouse in Stoke-On-Trent. Friki is pleased to report that its career has progressed since then. Though admittedly not by much.
Frikipedia Addendum
The above contents of this article are in fact a total and utter holness and Friki is very upset that you have been duped. The Argos are in fact a Canadian Football team from the center of the universe. They employ hosurs , geriatrics, and Americans who aren't good enough to play in the NFL, or have been suspended due to multiple drug violations.
