Alcohol

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Alcohol is a major food group, along with lips and arseholes, fat, fudge cake and healthy stuff.

Alcohol Drinkers

Alcohol drinkers, or "alcoholics" to their support groups, fall into a number of distinct categories. Usually these people will tend to drink with people from the same group, finding people from the other groups annoying. Sometimes, though, exceptions can be found and special group-crossovers will occur.

  • Beer drinkers are the wildebeast of the pub-going clientele, flocking in huge numbers to their favourite watering holes to graze on crisps and quench their thirst with numerous pints. Beer drinkers themselves fall into a number of subcategories.
    • Anything-Goes (AG) - Will drink whatever lager or bitter takes their fancy. It all has the right effect, after all. Usually found studying the price list to work out the cheapest route to unconscious oblivion, which usually means excessive amounts of Carling.
    • Creatures of Habit (CoH) - Will always drink the same thing. For beer drinkers, this will tend to mean Guinness or Corona with lime. More likely to be ignored by the AG flock due to the prohibitive expense of including their stupid drinks in the round.
    • Delusions of Grandeur (DoG) - Will pretensiously laugh in the face of the AG Carling lot, and instead go for some bottled, rip-off continental beer that comes served in a stupid glass, which they will then waft around the group whilst expositing just how more awesome they are than everyone else because they are drinking something that nobody else has ever heard of, nor ever wanted to hear about.
    • Scary Sub-Primates (SSP) - Will drink ale by the bucketload and smoke a pipe. Have probably brought their own pint glass to the pub with them. Fire the same angered glances at the AG crowd as the DoGs, but are far less insufferable due to their rather obvious mental issues.
  • Wine drinkers will usually be female, though this is a piteful stereotype which Frikipedia apologises for. Friki loves a bottle of wine as much as the next woman, but tends to do that in the comfort of its own home, rather than in pubs, due to the fact that any wine available in a pub is also available for 5% of the price in a supermarket. There are two distinct types of wine drinkers, though people can be interchangeable between the two. The drink very much defines the evening.
    • Red wine - Tends to cause a group to turn into sour-faced posturing decadents, warbling mournfully about the wanton waste of the soul that exists in every facet of modern society.
    • White wine - Tends to cause the group to turn into gibbering simpletons. Life will suddenly seem far better than it was before, and simple issues like people tripping over will necessitate lengthy periods of giggling. This heady period will last for a couple of hours, until the inevitable come-down, which is great enough to make you want to drive a biro straight through your eye.
  • Spirit drinkers once again have strictly defined subgroups.
    • Club Desparados (CD) - "Oh crap, how did I end up getting dragged to this godawful club? Oh God, they're playing RnB. Help me. No way out. Must...get...drunk...as...quickly...as...possible. Ooh look, they do vodka here!"
    • James Bond Wannabes (JBW) - Will order swanky cocktails or expensive whiskey and cokes and sit in trendy bars in suits talking about stuff too dull for even Bond himself to contemplate discussing (i.e. the stock market/house prices/company cars/ordinary cars) before heading to Stringfellow's to be feculent.
    • Laydeez (L) - Whom work their way through a series of Malibu and cokes in an attempt to look classy, before vomiting down themselves and ending up copulating with a chav in a Ben Sherman shirt in the middle of the dancefloor.

Types of Alcohol

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