2007 United States Grand Prix
From Frikipedia
Firstly, an apology. Due to circumstances outside it's control, which we'll generously call the "debatable reliability" of the train link between Leeds and London, Friki spent the time that the US GP was going out live on ITV staring at a blank vista of fields and houses just outside Peterborough, whilst idly drawing up plans to maim every executive on the board of GNER railways. Therefore today's review will be based around what Friki's sleep-deprived mind could make of the lazy highlights package that ITV threw together for broadcast in an improbable time-slot in the early hours of Monday morning. Although hard facts are difficult to come by in the Lewis Hamilton propaganda video that now passes for British F1 coverage, Friki has come to believe that (as per Friki's Canadian prediction) Tyler won again. And probably deserved it. Again.
Perhaps it was lack of sleep, or perhaps it was just the relentlessly skewed coverage, as James Allen and Martin Brundle attempted to build every little thing Alonso did as some kind of attempt at petulent bullying on the world champion's part, to the extent that they may as well just start referring to him as "the evil one who feasts on the hearts of virgins" and have done with it. Whatever it was, Friki found itself almost wanting Alonso to win this one. If only to reel in the out-of-control handcart that is Hamiltonmania. But as Friki thought about it more, it realised that, for the most part, the mania is entirely justified. I mean, he IS driving better than a double world champion, he DOES lead the (official) world championship, and he has barely put a wheel wrong since Australia. Notwithstanding the fact that, as a "rookie", he rather lucked in to the best car on the grid, and so a run of podiums should really be expected rather than lauded as genius, the fact that he is beating the man who inherited The Chin's crown as "the good one that nobody really likes" is plenty of reason to believe almost some of what the media overstates.
Perhaps Friki's issue stems from years of watching ITV and the tabloids do the same deification job on Jenson Button, who wasn't (and still isn't) the worst driver on the grid by a long way, but he was never likely to be WDC material. He was the Tim Henman of F1, overrated by the nation simply by virtue of a lack of real quality British peers to compare and contrast with. In that way, Tyler is much like the Andy Murray of F1. Except Friki quite likes Hamilton, and finds Murray to be something of a reedeemless yob with silly hair.
Anyway, the race...
Contents |
Race Result
1 Lewis Hamilton McLaren-Mercedes 73 Laps in 1:31:09.965
2 Fernando Alonso McLaren-Mercedes +1.518
3 Felipe Massa Ferrari +12.842
4 Kimi Raikkonen Ferrari +15.422
5 Heikki Kovalainen Renault +41.402
6 Jarno Trulli Toyota +1:06.703
7 Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault +1:07.331
8 Sebastian Vettel BMW Sauber +1:07.783
9 Giancarlo Fisichella Renault +1 Lap
10 Alex Wurz Williams-Toyota +1 Lap
11 Anthony Davidson Super Aguri-Honda +1 Lap
12 Jenson Button Honda +1 Lap
13 Scott Speed Toro Rosso-Ferrari +1 Lap
14 Adrian Sutil Spyker-Ferrari +2 Laps
15 Christijan Albers Spyker-Ferrari +3 Laps
Rtd Nico Rosberg Williams-Toyota Tragedy
Rtd Tonio Liuzzi Toro Rosso-Ferrari Roadblockery
Rtd Nick Heidfeld BMW Sauber Machinery
Rtd Takuma Sato Super Aguri-Honda Spinnery
Rtd David Coulthard Red Bull-Renault Crashery
Rtd Boobens Honda Crashery
Rtd Ralf Schumacher Toyota Idiocy
Friki Review
Yes, the race. It was an odd one. Not mad odd like Canada, but odd in another way. Whether F1 chose to have an afternoon of overtaking, excitement and thrills in an attempt to rival NASCAR in the wet dreams of a million sweaty Alabamans is unclear, seeing as it is doubtful whether any of them were actually in the Tyler-centric crowd, but either way, there was plenty of good old autoracing on display, both on the flat out oval bit, and the fiddly awful looking infield. It really is an atrocious mess of a track, but in courses for horses terms, it seems to work.
The fun began at the first corner, with Ralf Schumacher immediately looking to put any memories anyone may have had of his point-winning drive at Montreal by lazily eliminating half the field at turn one, in his own inimitable and stoutly heterosexual style. DC and Boobens may not technically constitute "half the field", but hey, this is British media, there's going to be some exaggeration.
Ahead of the mess at the back, Alonso pressured pole-sitting (ouch) Tyler, but couldn't find a way through. This was to become a theme of the race, as Tyler kept Alonso at arm's length for the whole race distance, apart from one moment after the first pit stops when he managed to get alongside, only for Tyler to squeeze him out. Alonso did a couple of odd things, pulling out of the tow on the pit straight a few times. "Cooling the car" was Alonso's official explanation to Ted "Goebbles" Kravitz after the race, which went against Kravitz's earlier explanation that Alonso was either being a petulant Spaniard, or has seen a cute little kitten and vowed to run it over because he's evil like that.
Ferrari were again really slow. Kimi Raikkonen attempted to out-strategise Felipe Massa by opting for the harder tyres on his first run to give him the softer, grippier tyres later on. This went awry when he fell behind Ickle and the unusually impressive Forehead off the start. This was probably a fault of the car or the track or maybe they jumped the start, but it was not an error by Kimi, because all real fans know he doesn't make those. Whatever the problem, he came up just short of Massa by the end.
Ickle's drive was eventually thwarted by a MacGuffin breaking a somesuch thing on his car, and a similar problem tragically put paid to Nico Rosberg, who had another impressive race up to that point, and was a good month ahead of team-mate Forrest. Despite Ickle's toils, BMW had a point to cheer, from stand-in driver Sebastian Vettel, who looks 19 going on about 5. To add to Jenson Button's misery for the season, Vettel stole his world record for being the youngest points scorer in F1 history. Button was again horribly slow, but did have a fun race battling with the other people stuck behind Trulli-impersonator Vitantonio Liuzzi, who got only his second drive of the year with STR along with local hero Scott Speed, who was cack.
A few other drivers upset the form book. Trulli forgot to fall asleep and finished 6th, Mark Webber forgot to break down and finished 7th and Adrian Sutil forgot about the Rookie of the Year crown and could only finish 14th. Giancarlo Fisichella messed up early on, but then entertained the masses with a series of overtaking maneuvers, as did Takuma Sato before he inevitably crashed.
The fun and games behind, though, mattered little to Tyler, as he romped home for his second win on the spin. On the podium, the two McLaren drivers were the very picture of harmony, hugging and smiling like they were hoping to put on some impromptu civil partnership ceremony to rile Fox News. Doubtless there was a soupcon of fakery about Alonso's smile, but then he isn't going to be happy, is he? He's experiencing the kind of treatment that he dished out to Fisichella these past couple of years, and it hurts. But there was no petulence, no anger, no big gesture to fan the flames of the baying mob of the British media, who will doubtless now have to go back to misquoting a series of interviews Alonso gives to Spanish radio in order to get his kicks.
So, from the American tour back to Europe next, and the French Grand Prix at borefest Magny Cours. It will be awful, and no doubt after lap 10, Friki will find itself pining for that view of a field in Peterborough again.
Friki's Unanswered Questions
- Why was Andy Priaulx overlooked by BMW?
- Why can't Allen and Brundle tell which STR is which?
- Why was there no solid infrastructure in place following the privatisation of the rail networks which has caused so many parts of it to fall into disrepair?
Unofficial Friki F1 Race Points in association with Celtic Crosses
1 Heikki Kovalainen 5 Celtic Crosses (So long as he doesn't let the fame go to his head.)
2 Jarno Trulli 4 Celtic Crosses (For staying awake.)
3 Giancarlo Fisichella 3 Celtic Crosses (For the entertainment.)
4 Lewis Hamilton 2 Celtic Crosses (For winning.)
5 Fernando Alonso 1 Celtic Cross (For not being anything like as bad as ITV wish he was.)
6 GNER -5 Celtic Crosses (You angered Friki.)
Unofficial Friki F1 Championship Standings in association with Celtic Crosses
=1 Ickle 10 Celtic Crosses
=1 Lewis Hamilton 10 Celtic Crosses
=3 Takuma Sato 9 Celtic Crosses
=3 Adrian Sutil 9 Celtic Crosses
5 Jarno Trulli 8 Celtic Crosses
=6 Giancarlo Fisichella 7 Celtic Crosses
=6 Alexander Wurz 7 Celtic Crosses
8 David Coulthard 6 Celtic Crosses
=9 Heikki Kovalainen 5 Celtic Crosses
=9 Robert Kubica 5 Celtic Crosses
=9 Scooch 5 Celtic Crosses
12 Nico Rosberg 4 1/2 Celtic Crosses
=13 Fernando Alonso 4 Celtic Crosses
=13 McLaren 4 Celtic Crosses
15 Felipe Massa 3 Celtic Crosses
16 Mark Webber 2 1/2 Celtic Crosses
=17 Boobens 2 Celtic Crosses
=17 Safety Car man 2 Celtic Crosses
=19 Kimi Raikkonen 1 Celtic Cross
=19 Scott Speed 1 Celtic Cross
=19 STR 1 Celtic Cross
=22 Brighton 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=22 Canada 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=22 The Goo 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=22 Tom Varndell 1/2 a Celtic Cross
27 GNER -5 Celtic Crosses
Review
So then, Tyler back to a share of the lead with Ickle's DNF, one point clear of Sato and the People's Champion, Sutil, and two ahead of Trulli, who is bafflingly high up the rankings now. Manwhile, Alonso is now in a tie with McLaren. Erm...
No points for Leeds in the Nations Cup either. As it is shit.
