2007 Italian Grand Prix
From Frikipedia
Oh, the tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive. So wrote a man with a more verbose dexterity in pithy one-liners than Friki. It is unlikely, unless Sir Walter Scott was in posession of a DeLorean, that he was writing specifically about McLaren, Ferrari, a dodgy chain of e-mails and the potential denoument of the 2007 Formula One World Championship in front of a World Motor Sports Council hearing on Thursday in Paris, but he may as well have been, lorks a-blimey.
Yes, it's a <span class="plainlinks"stretch mark removal/span> old state of affairs at the moment in Formula One land, the only sport in the world where internal audits and corporate whistleblowing are more crucial to a team's success than skill and talent. At Monza, the grand old Italian circuit full of history, legends and large crowds of gormless Italians standing around in Ferrari hats with the Marlboro lettering covered up, McLaren waltzed to an almost trouble-free 1-2 finish, with Fernando Alonso skimming another couple of points off Lewis Hamilton's dwindling (official) championship lead. But the whole spectacle was little more than a side show to the main event, the undercard to the headlining event later on in the week. You only had to look at the rather glum expressions of Alonso and Tyler on the podium to see that both drivers realised all their efforts may have been for naught, and if indeed the McLaren boffins have been using stolen Ferrari technical information there is a very real chance the grid at Spa next weekend may be missing the top two drivers in the championship.
But would the powers that be really ban the team? Well, they have already been found guilty of having some Ferrari documents, and were only let off due to a lack of evidence that they had actually been used by the team in any way. Now there is more evidence, linked back to an e-mail chain between Alonso and Pedro de la Rosa which may illuminate the nasty stuff further. More proof that Microsoft Outlook will be the downfall of us all. Presumably many would argue in favour of a massive fine over any form of expulsion, citing the still-close title fight we have on our hands. But then perhaps we wouldn't have had such a close fight if it wasn't for the behind-the-scenes swapsies. And also, right now the title battle is realistically Alonso vs Hamilton. If McLaren were to get thrown out, it would merely switch to Raikkonen vs Massa.
Basically, if evidence can actually be found this time, the book should be thrown squarely at them, regardless of the slight mockery it would make of the season so far. If they're fobbed off with a paltry punishment, some awful precedent is set whereby for 2008, every team comes to the grid with identical cars because all the technical directors had a big drawing-swapping party over the pre-season whilst pissed up on Advocaat. And what kind of a future is that, I ask you? No future at all, that's what! Someone please, think of the children!!!!!!
Anyway, in lieu of writing up a review of proceedings on Thursday, lets at least pretend this race meant something for now, shall we?
Race Result
1 Fernando Alonso McLaren-Mercedes 53 Laps in 1:18:37.806
2 Lewis Hamilton McLaren-Mercedes +6.062
2 Kimi Raikkonen Ferrari +27.325
4 Nick Heidfeld BMW Sauber +56.562
5 Robert Kubica BMW Sauber +1:00.558
6 Nico Rosberg Williams-Toyota +1:05.810
7 Heikki Kovalainen Renault +1:06.751
8 Jenson Button Honda +1:12.168
9 Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault +1:15.879
10 Boobens Honda +1:16.958
11 Jarno Trulli Toyota +1:17.736
12 Giancarlo Fisichella Renault +1 Lap
13 Alex Wurz Williams-Toyota +1 Lap
14 Anthony Davidson Super Aguri-Honda +1 Lap
15 Ralf Schumacher Toyota +1 Lap
16 Takuma Sato Super Aguri-Honda +1 Lap
DNS Tonio Liuzzi Toro Rosso-Ferrari Didn't turn up
DNS Sebastian Vettel Toro Rosso-Ferrari Didn't turn up
19 Adrian Sutil Spyker-Ferrari +1 Lap
20 Admiral Yamamoto Spyker-Ferrari +1 Lap
Ret Felipe Massa Ferrari Got Kimi's car
Ret David Coulthard Red Bull-Renault Wing and a Prayer
Friki Review
All things considered, the Italian GP was one of the better races thusfar. Alonso may have strolled to a trouble free victory from pole position, but Hamilton kept us entertained as he spent all race trying to keep Ferraris behind him, by fair or foul.
Off the line, Lewis performed his now-standard "Schumie Chop" as he pushed the fast-starting Massa over onto the grass. The frolics continued into the first corner as Massa edged ahead, only for Hamilton to come back past under braking, receiving a hefty nudge from the Ferrari for his troubles, which forced Lewis to cut the chicane and had Martin Brundle desperately fishing for excuses as to why Hamilton wouldn't be punished as mere mortals would be, before later replays conclusively showed the contact and the ITV team breathed an audible sign of relief. Massa's race ended soon after, as his car stopped working. Possibly as a result of the contact, but whatever the reason, it should be enough to confirm Massa in the supporting role to Raikkonen for the rest of the season, assuming the Ferraris still have someone to race against.
With Massa out the way, rabid Ferrari support switched squarely to Kimi's shoulders, putting further strain on his body still feeling the aftereffects of a fairly enormous practice shunt. On a one-stop strategy, he managed to get past Hamilton late in the race, only to be deposed once again by the flying Tyler, who slammed one of the passes of the season on the Ferrari into the first chicane. From some distance back, Tyler dived for the inside, stood on the brakes and just eased past, as Kimi locked his own wheels trying to hold onto the place. Tyre smoke, lurid sideways slides, it was all very old school, which should have impressed everyone but probably didn't, the contrary bunch of fools.
After that, Kimi took a break from the norm by dropping his pace and conserving his engine for next week. A shocking break with tradition by a man who normally looks as race-savvy as an autistic infant. Still though, he was right to. Today was McLaren's day.
Away from the thrills and spills of the "big four", things were equally as interesting. Though Ickle had another invisible run to the BMW place, behind him there was an epic scrap between Bignose, NICO!, Forehead and (improbably) Jenson Button, who was having a semi-competitive run for the first time in ages, no doubt buoyed by the idea that if McLaren get suspended, ITV will need to switch their vinegar strokes back in his direction for the rest of the year. In the other Honda, Boobens managed a top 10 finish as well, as Honda execs giggled to themselves that this time it was the Toyotas limping around behind the Goo rather than them.
In the end, Kubica nabbed 5th place from Nico, who nevertheless put in another inspired performance (c.f. Forrest's insipid performance) to make Friki very happy indeed.
Less inspired performances included Giancarlo Fisichella, who appears to be resigned to scrapping around for a STR seat for next year, David Coulthard, who had his car fall apart on the first lap (go Newey!) and the brand new Spyker, which was just as slow as the old one and made you wonder why they bothered.
All in all, though, a pleasing race afternoon. The title gets closer, Ferrari now have a clear reason to get back to the days of team orders, and we still have four races to go, at a variety of interesting tracks. Whether or not that actually means anything in the grand scheme of things will very much depend on the outcome of the courtroom "drama" this Thursday. Live coverage of proceedings begins on this website at 09.00AM GMT. It promises to be the race of the season.
Friki's Unanswered Questions
- Why don't they give this race more laps?
- Why does the Rugby World Cup have to last for two sodding months?
Unofficial Friki F1 Race Points in association with Celtic Crosses
1 Jenson Button 5 Celtic Crosses (POINT TO JENSON!)
2 Nico Rosberg 4 Celtic Crosses (A Teuto-Finnish genius.)
3 Lewis Hamilton 3 Celtic Crosses (Good racing.)
4 Fernando Alonso 2 Celtic Crosses (Good driving.)
5 Microsoft Outlook 1 Celtic Cross (Auto-archive-a-riffic.)
6 Rugby -5 Celtic Crosses (Ridiculous skill-free waste of sport.)
Unofficial Friki F1 Championship Standings in association with Celtic Crosses
1 Nico Rosberg 14 1/2 Celtic Crosses
=2 David Coulthard 13 Celtic Crosses
=2 Lewis Hamilton 13 Celtic Crosses
=2 Ickle 13 Celtic Crosses
5 Fernando Alonso 11 Celtic Crosses
=6 Jenson Button 10 Celtic Crosses
=6 Heikki Kovalainen 10 Celtic Crosses
=6 Adrian Sutil 10 Celtic Crosses
=9 Giancarlo Fisichella 9 Celtic Crosses
=9 Felipe Massa 9 Celtic Crosses
=9 Takuma Sato 9 Celtic Crosses
12 Jarno Trulli 8 Celtic Crosses
13 Mark Webber 7 1/2 Celtic Crosses
14 Alexander Wurz 7 Celtic Crosses
15 Robert Kubica 6 Celtic Crosses
=16 Kimi Raikkonen 5 Celtic Crosses
=16 Scooch 5 Celtic Crosses
=16 Jamie Murray 5 Celtic Crosses
=16 The Stewards 5 Celtic Crosses
=20 McLaren 4 Celtic Crosses
=20 Jelena Jankovic 4 Celtic Crosses
=20 Ralf Schumacher 4 Celtic Crosses
=23 Markus Winkelhock 3 Celtic Crosses
=23 Boobens 3 Celtic Crosses
=25 Anthony Davidson 2 Celtic Crosses
=25 Safety Car man 2 Celtic Crosses
=27 Bridgestone 1 Celtic Cross
=27 Microsoft Outlook 1 Celtic Cross
=27 Adrian Newey 1 Celtic Cross
=27 Scott Speed 1 Celtic Cross
=27 STR 1 Celtic Cross
=32 Brighton 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=32 Canada 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=32 Ferrari 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=32 The Goo 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=32 Tom Varndell 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=32 Admiral Yamamoto 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=38 GNER -5 Celtic Crosses
=38 Rain -5 Celtic Crosses
=38 Rugby -5 Celtic Crosses
Review
At last, Friki has found a way to get Nico to the top of the standings! And hasn't he done well?
Fix you say? Swizz you moan? Balls to you all. It's Friki's championship and it can do whatever it likes.
The RARELY PUBLISHED Official Topical Friki Post-Grand Prix Comic Bit!
TBA.
While I ponder some way of taking what happened on Sunday, turning it into comedic genius then translating it into stylish seal glyphs to be placed on this very page I had A THOUGHT!
Now that you've recovered from the nasty shock I just gave you, I was pondering the bullet proof reliability of this years McLaren and the positive Neweyishness of whatever is under the Ferraris carbon fibre skin. I've come to the conclusion that the new evidence to be presented this Thursday will uncover the fact that not only did McLaren steal all of Ferraris technical data for this year, but they then proceeded to replace it with their own, possibly using Kimi as the courier having left them in a box with "Kimi, don't steal this" written on it last December.
Hrm, back to the drawing board? *ambles off*
OH YES! Just thought of a comic, and boy it's lame! Stay tuned.
