From Frikipedia
Look! It's rarely seen celebrity dad, Anthony Hamilton!
Prologue
- The start of a weekend where Lewis Hamilton could well become the first ever rookie F1 champion. It promises to be almost literally a thrill a minute or something.
- Highlights of the ITV pre-race show have included a senile Sir Jackie Stewart asking why the "RAC" didn't investigate the Japanese race incident involving Lewis, Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel, Jenson Button describing a lap of the Shanghai track with all the enthusiasm of a man who agreed to do stuff like this for a broadcaster before realising how crap a season he was going to have, and Ted Kravitz reporting on Hamilton's meeting with the stewards in the style of some sort of demented cross between a dystopian episode of 24 and a weird voyeuristic fantasy, as Ted talked of how he could "see the meeting through the window". Weirdo.
- Friki Quote - "We don't have football saying 'I didn't see the goal, let's apply it next weekend'.." - Blunders is getting irate about Hamilton's stewards meeting, and comes up with an analogy so weak and confusing, Friki dropped IQ points just typing it.
- Incidentally, how post-modern was the STR appeal? Their case was based on seeing a video on YouTube, which is sort of the same basis for around 94% of all 9/11 conspiracy nuts. Anyway, we're nearly ready to go with the first quali session. James Allen and Martin Brundle have a massive Chinese flag draped across the back of their commentary booth, making their opening thoughts look like a communist propaganda video.
- Frikis Foot Special Comments - I really doubt a communist propoganda video would be so biased, so one sided, so devoid of any touch with reality.
First Session
- 07.00am - Kimi Raikkonen is one of the first men on track, along with the Spykers. In the next 15 minutes, we'll say goodbye to the six slowest cars. Odds are more than even that one of those will be soon-to-be-ex-Toyota man Ralf Schumacher.
- 07.05am - Heikki Kovalainen the early pace setter, as team-mate Giancarlo Fisichella goes second. Renault bosses frantically press "Print Screen" before someone goes faster, and would you Adam-and-Eve-it, that someone turns out to be Ralf. Which will teach Friki to tempt fate.
- 07.10am - Mark Webber gets pipped by his good friend Sebastian Vettel. And then the McLarens pop in their token efforts for this session, Hammy ahead of Fred. Raikkonen must not have set a lap when he was out earlier, unless it was just a rubbish one, as he's currently showing 22nd.
- Friki Quote - "Alonso slower by eleven thousandths of a second. Eleven thousandths! Try and count that!" - James Allen. And: what?
- 07.13am - Kimi indeed sets a lap and goes fastest, for what it's worth at the moment. Kovalainen, Trulli and Sato are the big names in the bottom six. Wurz, Sutil and Yamamoto less so.
- 07.15am - Typically frantic end to the session. The big losers are Fisi, continuing his lamentable form at the moment, and poor old Boobens, who will have to be put to bed with a hot mug of cocoa and his favourite blanket early today.
- Frikis Foot Special Comments - Interesting there that Vettel managed to get ahead of Webber, probably safer for both of them that way.
Bottom Six
| 17
| Barrichello
| Honda
|
| 18
| Fisichella
| Renault
|
| 19
| Wurz
| Williams
|
| 20
| Sato
| Super Aguri
|
| 21
| Sutil
| Spyker
|
| 22
| Yamamoto
| Spyker
|
Second Session
Look! It's the snooker player with a famous name, Anthony Hamilton!
- 07.25am - Quiet start to Q2, so Allen and Brundle continue to shit-stir their way through what literally nobody is now calling Hamiltonbehindthesafetycargate.
- 07.30am - Fisi's having a hissy fit in the pits and refusing to talk about his latest failure with Louise Goodman. He's "covering his blushes", according to Jallen. Who will we lose in this session? Friki will have a guess at Davidson, Liuzzi, Vettel, Button, Trulli and DC. Possibly. Early pacesetter Coulthard is pipped by Felipe Massa, as Hammy goes 2nd. Ferraris ahead of McLarens again. Hmm.
- 07.33am - Coulthard's having a stonker. Still up in 6th, overcoming his chronic arthritis as he does so. Nico Rosberg is currently down in 16th, forcing Friki to begin the incantations early this week.
- 07.35am - Getting to the sharp end of this session, then. An odd-looking top 10 currently contains the flying DC, Button and Liuzzi. You'd assume that at least some of that will change in the remaining two minutes.
- 07.40am - Rosberg fails to improve from 16th with a lamentably shoddy lap. DC pips Webber for 7th in the remaining seconds, and Ralf somehow gets into the final session, as does Button. Strange happenings indeed. All the action happening miles behind the serene top four of Raikkonen, Massa, Alonso and Hamilton.
- Frikis Foot Special Comments - Not good for Williams there, Coulthard is driving like Webber, and Rosberg is driving like Wurz. With only 5 points between the two teams in the championship the sudden attack of badness down at Williams could handicap them even further.
Bottom Six
| 11
| Liuzzi
| STR
|
| 12
| Vettel
| STR
|
| 13
| Trulli
| Toyota
|
| 14
| Kovalainen
| Renault
|
| 15
| Davidson
| Super Aguri
|
| 16
| Rosberg
| Williams
|
Final Session
Look! It's an album by famously named funky soul singer guy, Anthony Hamilton!
- 07.40am - So, Kimi, Massa, Fred, Hammy, Kubby, Ickle, DC, Webbo, Ralf and Benson will fight out the last session. Friki needs a second cup of tea.
- 07.45am - Tea! Here we gooooooo! The environmentalists spontaneously combust as we start the "fuel burning" phase of quali. In fairness, they've had the best part of two years to think of a better way of doing things than this, but meh. Hammy's been slowest of the big four all weekend, really. Having said that, a race result in the same order as Q2 would mean he was WDC, so he's probably not massively fussed.
- 07.50am - Ted is trying to talk tactics, with little success. Everyone is pitting rather early here. Perhaps a sniff of rain in the air? There is a monsoon predicted for tomorrow, to the delight of Bernd Maylander and his performance-related paycheque. Hammy currently fastest, from Kimi, Fred and, implausibly, DC.
- 07.54am - Hamilton's giving it the full monty and is the first to set a "proper" flying lap. Brundle describes his 1:36.6 as "solid", which in normal-person-speak probably means "rubbish". Having said that, Fred is slower.
- 07.57am - Seriously, what did Coulthard put on his cornflakes this morning? Another fast lap puts him up to 5th, i.e. "best of the rest". Cars pitting again, and we're ready for the final joust. Massa and Kimi have moved ahead of the McLarens again. Back on the softer tyres for all, which should drop the lap times a fair whack.
- 08.00am - The McLarens hit their final flying laps first. Hammy fastest, to polite applause. Fred's messed up in the middle sector, fourth. Kimi stuck in 2nd, and Massa? Can't improve! Can you credit it? Hammy's been nowhere all session and somehow stuck it on pole!
- 08.05am - DC indeed held on for 5th, ahead of Ralf, which will teach Friki to rubbish him before the session starts. The BMWs back in 8th and 9th. A grid stacked with intrigue and saturated with Brits.
- Frikis Foot Special Comments - Michael Schumacher will be frowning at home, all this wet weather would've suited him rather well. The race is set to be interesting unless the rain does come then it wil be another bubbish Mercedes ad. Having Coulthard and Ralf up the front like it's 1999in' is as massive a nostalgia hit as it is a "I'll run dry settings with no fuel to make myself look good" exercise.
Top Ten
| 1
| Hamilton
| McLaren
|
| 2
| Raikkonen
| Ferrari
|
| 3
| Massa
| Ferrari
|
| 4
| Alonso
| McLaren
|
| 5
| Coulthard
| Red Bull
|
| 6
| Schumacher
| Toyota
|
| 7
| Webber
| Red Bull
|
| 8
| Heidfeld
| BMW
|
| 9
| Kubica
| BMW
|
| 10
| Button
| Honda
|
Epilogue
- So, Tyler on pole. But he may well be lighter than the pack behind him. Of course, this whole exercise was rather futile, as the smart money is on the weather ruining another raceday tomorrow. Joy.
- Ted is busy being very rude to Ferrari's Chris Dyer. "So, you've done something to make the car good in the wet, have you?" he dismissively smirks as Dyer tries to put a brave face on the weather forecast. Dyer is the spitting image of lanky ex-celeb botherer, Louis Theroux.
- Well then, who can stop Tyler? Kimi? Fred? Some instant karma from Vettel? A puddle? We'll find out tomorrow, Friki supposes. It will be there (maybe). Will you?
