2007 Canadian Grand Prix
From Frikipedia
At some point, it is only a matter of time now, someone will get on with the job of writing the screenplay about Lewis Hamiltons brilliant career. Doubtless they'll make a big play of the struggles he faced in his Herculean efforts to make it to the top level of motor racing, and beyond. If they even infer that his first win was a struggle, mind, it will be a step too far even for a truth-twisting Hollywood scribe. Once a season, all the F1 drivers will decide to drive like idiots en masse for the entertainment of the public and the frustration of Martin Brundle. This may have been the weekend they all chose, but Tyler reneged on the deal and drove like a flawless professional, while all around him, the 21 other best drivers in the world(TM) acted like a bunch of men competing in an impromptu demolition derby.
When the FIA review of the season is released, Canada will be presented by Alan Partridge, screaming into the camera the working title "Crash! Bang! Wallop! What A Video!".
Contents |
Race Result
1 Lewis Hamilton McLaren-Mercedes 70 Laps in 1:44:11.292
2 Nick Heidfeld BMW Sauber +4.343
3 Alex Wurz Williams-Toyota +5.325
4 Heikki Kovalainen Renault +6.729
5 Kimi Raikkonen Ferrari +13.007
6 Takuma Sato Super Aguri-Honda +16.698
7 Fernando Alonso McLaren-Mercedes +21.936
8 Ralf Schumacher Toyota +22.888
9 Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault +22.960
10 Nico Rosberg Williams-Toyota +23.984
11 Anthony Davidson Super Aguri-Honda +24.318
12 Boobens Honda +30.439
Rtd Jarno Trulli Toyota Moron
Rtd Tonio Liuzzi Toro Rosso-Ferrari At least he was in the race
Rtd Christijan Albers Spyker-Ferrari Moron
Rtd David Coulthard Red Bull-Renault Gave Up
Rtd Robert Kubica BMW Sauber WHEEEEEEEE!!!
Rtd Adrian Sutil Spyker-Ferrari Still awesome
Rtd Scott Speed Toro Rosso-Ferrari At least he was in the race
Rtd Jenson Button Honda Couldn't be bothered
DSQ Felipe Massa Ferrari Moron
DSQ Giancarlo Fisichella Renault Moron
Friki Review
There must be something in the Canadian air that makes drivers so eager to make mistakes here. Maybe because the circuit is named after the original Sir Crash-a-lot, Gilles Villeneuve, and they feel the need to emulate him, or maybe they all fill up on too many pre-race meals of baloney and Faxe Strong. Whatever the reason, it makes for a truly odd race.
The jury is still out as to whether Fernando Alonso reacts well to pressure or not. For the last couple of title-winning years, he has shrugged off all that The Gin and The Chin could throw at him with relative ease, usually only losing his cool with a spot of brake-testing during free practice or a surly wave of his arm as a backmarker fails to get out of his way. But here, with pressure coming from his rookie team-mate rather than some outside force, he floundered.
Right from the start, he began a curious race-long habit of planning his line through turn one to follow a course away from the tarmac and across the grass, slamming back into the middle of a bunch of cars and nearly taking Tyler out there and then. Most analysts (except, presumably, Friki's mate, who forever cuts all the chicanes at Monaco in F12006 on the Playstation to gain 10 seconds a lap, much to Friki's annoyance) pointed out that this line was surely slower than just following the track. Nevertheless, he persisted with it, with little joy.
Not that he was the only one being a goof. Kimi Raikkonen, whose name translates from Finnish as "That utter incompetent", decided to have his own fun at the start by driving into the back of his team-mate. Damage from this was, presumably, to blame for his atrotious pace throughout the rest of the race, but with Kimi, you can never really tell. Jenson Button, meanwhile, was so determined not to drive his Honda that he gave up at the start and spent the rest of the afternoon watching Boobens drive around to a massively competitive last place.
Cheerily, STR turned up for their first event of the season, though less cheerily both drivers got so excited about being able to have a drive, they messed up. A similar story affected both Spykers, with Christijan Albers gaining precious sponsorship time with his crash, while potential Rookie of the Year and future World Champion Adrian Sutil crashed into the same wall Alonso hit a couple of years ago (the other wall of CHAMPIONS!!!!).
Alas, all these crashes, even Jarno Trulli's, who fell asleep as he was exiting the pits and coasted into a wall, were overshadowed by Robert Kubica in the BMW.
There's something of an awful immediacy to the really big F1 accidents. Maybe it's the way that the camera only tends to cut to them as they're happening, or just as they've finished, but there's just something unerring about the split-second impact and subsequent disintegration of the car, followed by that horrible quiet bit where you're left monitoring the commentator's tone of voice in an attempt to work out how bad they think it is (when Murray Walker was around, you always got worried when he referred to the driver involved by saying "we wait to see what has happened to...the charming [insert drivers name]" like he was reading the guy's obituary). Kubica's crash, as he was forced off the track by Trulli, slamming into one wall and careering across the track into another, was the worst for a long while, and the viewers began to fear something bad when even the TV director stopped showing replays.
Happily, old Bignose was perfectly ok. Early reports (largely from Ron Dennis talking over the pit radio to Tyler) inferred he had broken a leg, but as ever Dennis was talking bollocks. A sprained ankle and concussion was the improbably short list of injuries for the Pole. Friki's done worse to itself after falling into a hedge on the stagger back home after one too many shandies in the local. He may well even be back for Indianapolis next week, meaning BMW won't have to call on Andy Priaulx to deputise.
With bits of Kubica's car littering the track like confetti at a weird scrap-metal themed wedding, the safety car came back out, which immediately led to confusion as to what the hell the new safety car rules were. Predictably, Alonso got it wrong, and pitted when the pits were "closed", along with Nico. Rather than finding some bloke idly thumbing through The Sun, picking his nose and dismissing everyone with a "Sorry mate, we're closed", as Friki usually finds the response is when you try and get fuel from a closed garage, McLaren and Williams obliged their drivers with proper pit stops. An error, as both were later given drive-through penalites. Big Mac and fries please. Nico was having a dreadful race and Friki refuses to dwell any further on it.
Felipe Massa and Giancarlo Fisichella behaved even more moronically, deciding to run a red light at the end of the pit lane, and they were disqualified. Seriously, on the evidence of yesterday, Friki doubts any of these drivers would pass their driving tests. Stopping at red lights? Not driving on grass? Emergency stops??
The closing stages of the GP were enlivened by Takuma Sato being all gooey. For the first, and more than certainly last, time in his career, he passed both the clueless Raikkonen and the just plain crap Alonso to score big gooey points for The Goo. Further up the points positions, the general chaos somehow allowed Forrest and Forehead to score decent results. Both came in behind Ickle, who had a traditionally unmemorable race to second place. Mark Webber faffed about, gathered excuses and came home 9th, while the prize for weirdest moment of the weekend was between Anthony Davidson damaging his car after hitting a beaver which ran across the track, or the point at the checkered flag, when ladies man Ralf somehow scored a point.
All this madness happened way behind Tyler, of course. The huge irony of the weekend was the fact that ITV had to leave immediately after the podium celebrations, lest Friki's flatmate miss the unmissable slice of Northern drudgery that is Coronation Street, so Steve Rider and Mark Blundell missed out on the chance to dwell at length on Tyler the Great's maiden win, Blunders barely squeezing in a "I'm gonna be thinking of him when I touch myself tonight" before Rider turned and smarmed his closing thoughts to camera A.
Never mind, America next, where with the Ferraris looking slow and the BMWs still not quick enough, McLaren should be quickest again. And Alonso has never run well at Indy. So two wins on the bounce for Tyler then. Maybe.
Friki's Unanswered Questions
- When will Andy Priaulx receive that call up from BMW?
- Is that Ralf's 08 contract sewn up already?
Unofficial Friki F1 Race Points in association with Celtic Crosses
1 Takuma Sato 5 Celtic Crosses (The gooiest of the goo.)
2 Robert Kubica 4 Celtic Crosses (For not dying.)
3 Lewis Hamilton 3 Celtic Crosses (Piece of piss.)
4 Ickle 2 Celtic Crosses (Second comes right after first!)
5 STR 1 Celtic Cross (For getting on telly.)
6 Canada 1/2 a Celtic Cross (You mad, mad country, you.)
Unofficial Friki F1 Championship Standings in association with Celtic Crosses
1 Ickle 10 Celtic Crosses
=2 Takuma Sato 9 Celtic Crosses
=2 Adrian Sutil 9 Celtic Crosses
4 Lewis Hamilton 8 Celtic Crosses
5 Alexander Wurz 7 Celtic Crosses
6 David Coulthard 6 Celtic Crosses
=7 Robert Kubica 5 Celtic Cross
=7 Scooch 5 Celtic Crosses
9 Nico Rosberg 4 1/2 Celtic Crosses
=10 Giancarlo Fisichella 4 Celtic Crosses
=10 McLaren 4 Celtic Crosses
=10 Jarno Trulli 4 Celtic Crosses
=13 Fernando Alonso 3 Celtic Crosses
=13 Felipe Massa 3 Celtic Crosses
15 Mark Webber 2 1/2 Celtic Crosses
=16 Boobens 2 Celtic Crosses
=16 Safety Car man 2 Celtic Crosses
=18 Kimi Raikkonen 1 Celtic Cross
=18 Scott Speed 1 Celtic Cross
=18 STR 1 Celtic Cross
=21 Brighton 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=21 Canada 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=21 The Goo 1/2 a Celtic Cross
=21 Tom Varndell 1/2 a Celtic Cross
Review
Oh dear. Adrian Sutil's time at the top was short-lived. Back to the front of the Unofficial Friki F1 Championship Standings in association with Celtic Crosses goes Ickle, while Sutil drops to a share of second as Sato leaps up the standings. Tyler still lurks in 4th, while in the Nations Cup, Canada goes into a tie with Brighton.
