2007 Brazilian Grand Prix - Race

From Frikipedia

Contents 1 Prologue 2 Race 3 Epilogue 4 Post-Epilogue

Prologue

• And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. As Sinatra sang all those years ago, so each and every F1 driver may quite possibly be humming to themselves inside their helmets. For one final time this year, we are going racing. Expect more thrills, spills and action than a bumper DVD "Best of" collection of grainy Channel 5 import "World's Wildest Police Videos". Well, possibly.

• And just in case you get bored, there's plenty for you to be doing. Play this almost impossible game of elephant golf (Friki's record is a card of 68 over par), or pick up some free chocolate (UK peeps only with that one, I'm afraid, and for males not totally comfortable with their sexuality or particularly prudish women, that page does contain a picture of a semi-naked man), or even watch this hilarious footage of frigid Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting getting accosted by an overly exuberant Indian cricket fan recently. Gizza kiss, Punter.

• So then, the race. Qualifying yesterday coughed up a veritable phlegm-coated ball of excitement, but from the grid we've got, you'd have to have Hamilton as a clear favourite from his front row spot. Kimi will fancy his chances of getting past Lewis on the clean side of the track, and so is probably second favourite (as it is unlikely Massa will put up too much of a fight against his team mate), however once he's in the lead, he still needs something wicked to happen to Hamilton to force him to finish lower than 6th.

• And as an outsider sits poor old Fred. Whether he feels his car has been sabotaged again or not, once again yesterday he failed to put in a performance when it mattered, and now faces the toughest task of any of the title contenders. He has to get past at least two of the cars ahead of him (one being Hammy) and then hope for misfortunes to befall his team-mate. Friki will try and keep everyone up to date with just who is on course to win the title at any one time, but makes no apologies for being wrong more than half the time.

• And yes, the rugby was lost, but looking on the bright side, Friki never really cared for it as a sport anyway.

• Frikis Foot Special Comments - I share that sentiment entirely, those of us on the other (under) side of the desk think Rugby is rubbish too, unless we win it. Anything that has a final between South Africa and England is obviously a lame attempt at a sport anyway.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments - Martin's gridwalk sees Bernie reveal he wants Fernie to take his 3rd Championship on the trot. Despite the fact he's been saying for weeks he wants Tyler to win it. Frikis Elbow believes that tyres will be a key factor in the outcome of today's race, meaning Hamilton could be screwed after his efforts a fortnight ago. And Frikis Elbow does not give a toss about rugby either. Anymore.

• Frikis Foot Special Comments - An interesting point made by the Elbow there, one thing in Hamiltons favour though is the straight entry and lack of any gravel traps near Interlagos' pitlane.

• Frikis Arse Special Comments -Nice point by the Foot there, but Friki's Arse informs all visitors that instead of a gravel trap lies a nice juicy tyre barrier.

• Friki's on a Relentless/beer combo here, with Chinese food on the way. Commentary may cease after lap 45 following Friki's inevitible coronary. Also, if anybody can explain the causal link between Lewis Hamilton and 24 which ITV are banging so heavily into our faces, that would be great.

• Frikis Foot is firing up it's Speed TV feed, the American Terry should keep us up-to-date on whats happening with all the other drivers that aren't Lewis Hamilton.

Race

• Here we gooooooo! Friki's support of NICO over Lewis has caused arguments at Friki HQ.

• Lap 1 - Mega start. Massa chops Lewis, Kimi is through to lead and Alonso gets the run past his team mate in turn 1. Kimi leads and then Lewis messes up in the next corner! He runs well wide and is down to 8th! Lunacy from the young Brit. Sutil has collided with something hefty. Fisichella, as a matter of fact.

• Lap 4 - It was the Admiral actually, who rammed into the back of Fisi's Renault. There's debris all over the track, but no safety car. Lewis in 7th, pressuring Kubica for 6th. Massa, Kimi, Fred out front. Lewis nearly loses it again. After a cracking season, he's finally started driving like a rookie.

• Lap 5 - Heikki is out as well, in a seperate incident. He collided with Ralfie's Yoda at the first turn. It was Raikkonen's tardy run through turn one that screwed Hammy over and let Alonso through. As it stands, Kimi is champion. Or not, Friki's already confused. With Massa leading and all.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments Tyler has clearly been drinking too much Relentless given his stupidity in the early laps. Fortunately, Radio Five Live were able to cover events during the break, as Tyler slowed down and fell back...but got going again.

• Lap 8 - Hamilton's championship is over, surely. Some techical issue with his engine, and he's down in last. Thank you for the ad break, ITV.

• Lap 10 - Lewis is back up and running at full chat. Whatever the problem was has cleared, evidently. But he now needs to come back from last place to 5th to win the title. Will the real Lewis Hamilton please stand up? Kimi's pit radio is filled with the sound of chuckling.

• Lap 13 - Ted Kravitz is elucidating his arse off in the pits. Meanwhile, Webber is down to 5th as Kubica squeezes through. Still a good start for Webbo. Heidfeld, Trulli and the redoubtable NNIICCOO are the rest of the points places. Hamilton is already up to 16th. Hold onto your hats.

• Frikis Foot Special Comments - Schumacher came back from 70 seconds down last season, he got up to 4th so Hamilton can still do this. Peter Windsor reckons Hamilton is second only to Clark as a driver, and well ahead of Schumi, lets see if he can prove that claim true or false.

• Lap 16 - Hammy steams past Ralfie. And Davidson. Its like watching some bloke on F12006 on easy mode right now. He gets past Sato as well, who was busy having a battle with Nakas. And Webber is out. Friki apologises for it's first use of 'curse of the commentator' there. 12th Hammy, 2nd Kimi, 3rd Alonso.

• Lap 18 - "It's silver, it's driven by Lewis Hamilton, and who knows where it will end this race," Jallen waxes lyrical about the only car everyone is interested in. Good news really, when it's all the cameras are watching. 11th now, as he passes Nakas. Friki's foot, incidentally, is blind. Oddly.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments - Kubby is the 1st man to make a scheduled stop. Kimi looks good for the title, which is exactly what Friki wanted after the whole Spygate fiasco. Now Massa pits which puts the Finn into the lead and Fernie into second, and still currently leading the Championship.

• Lap 21 - Massa pits. Odds of Kimi retaining his newly-inherited lead when he pits are fairly short.

• Lap 22 - Oooh, Friki's cynicism backfires. Kimi rejoins behind Massa, whch is baffling. Button retires, promoting Hamilton to 10th. Both Maccas pit and Hammy short fuels on the soft tyres. A fifteen-ish lap blitz for the Brit then. Nico keeps ahead of DC in the pit stops.

• Lap 25 - Everyone pitting now. Sutil and Davidson collide in turn one, which will hurt Sutil's Celic Cross claiming rights. Hamilton still 14th and in need of a whole shebang of miracles here. All quiet up front as Massa, Kimi and Alonso lap serenely.

• Lap 29 - Hammy sticks one up the inside of Boobens. Saucy. He's probably flat-spotted his already slow-looking soft tyres there, but never mind, Jallen is in full wank-bank mode. He's now 12th, and needs to be 5th.

• FRIKI QUOTE - "Has he got cowskin gloves on?" - Friki's mate on Hammy's handwear.

• Lap 33 - Nakas pits and hilariously mows down half his pit crew, to inject a bit of light relief into proceedings.

• Lap 34 - Alonso relinquishes 3rd place to the charging Kubica with all the limpness of a man resigned to be giving up his no 1 priviliges in an hours time. Kimi chuckles more.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments - Kubby gets past a strangely slow Alonso, who seems to have given up all hope since the Ferraris will inevitably switch places before the end. Can Tyler charge through the field? His short middle stint will end soon surely.

• Lap 37 - Hammy pits again. And he's three stopping. His strategy has switched from "misguided" to all out "I'm not going to win". Kovalainen has a biggie, hitting the barriers and sending bits n bobs of Renault in slow mo arcs through the air.

• Frikis Arse Special Comments

If it were to finish now: LH 107 pts KR 108 pts FA 109 pts

• Lap 41 - Massa still leads, but the Ferraris will surely switch places at the final stops. Incidentally, Brunders and Friki's Arse would still hand out full points if we stopped now, which will anger the FIA.

• Lap 44 - Boobens blows up in a spectacular manner to nil point his season. Poor Booby. NICO is still in 6th, and Friki is pleasantly surprised he hasn't crashed yet. Cue crash.

• Lap 47 - Kimi's title creeps towards inevitability. Alonso still nowhere on pace, Hamilton is toiling uselessly in the midfield, and only Massa's most blinkered of fans believe he's got many more entries to rack up in the "laps led" column. Meanwhile in the pits, Louise Goodman pats Button's head and kisses it better.

• Lap 49 - Former boring Finnish champion Mika Hakkinen gives the thumbs up to the cameras from the pits. Presumably supporting Kimi over McLaren then. Blood truly is thicker than water.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments - Well Felipe, it was fun while it lasted, but now Kimi's going to take it all away from you.

• Lap 51 - The most predictable overtaking maneuver in F1 history is halfway done. Massa pits.

• Lap 52 - Championship defining pitstop imminent. Perfect time for a break!

• Frikis Arse Special Comments-Is Raikkonen fuelled a lot longer than Massa? He has just set the fastest middle sector of the race, and is continuing to lap quickly.

• Lap 53 - Despite Massa cheekily setting a few PB sectors, Kimi pits and rejoins in a title-securing lead. Apparently. All he has to do now is not break his car, and we have ourselves a new champion!

• Lap 57 - ITV are still assuming Hammy doesnt have to pit again from 8th. But of course he does, and here he comes for his final, pointless, pit stop. A combination of idiotic driving, technical maladies and a truly bizarre change of strategy has done it for Hammy today. Kimistas, start your engines!

• Lap 59 - Brundo and Jallen are close to tears, as Kubica pits. So Alonso resumes a pointless third place. Metaphorically pointless, you realise. He'll still be given six of the things. Ted is actually crying.

• Lap 63 - Nico pulls off an almost perfect move to pass Ickle. Almost perfect in that they both ran wide and let Kubica through past both of them. From 5th to 5th there, for NNIICCOO. If a few of these guys trip over each other, Hammy may just have a sniff of something. Meanwhile DC drives into his Nakas.

• Frikis Arse Special Comments-If it were to end now:

LH 108 pts FA 109 pts KR 110 pts

• Frikis Foot Special Comments - DC trying to end his season as it started, attempting to fly over the Rubbish Phantom #2 Williams.

• Lap 65 - Inexplicably, Trulli pits. What is that about? Either way, Hamilton up to 7th. Hmm. Kimi is looking comfortable in the lead. Comfortable or drunk. One of the two.

• Lap 67 - It's becoming more monotonous than a looped video feed of an entire series of Everybody Loves Raymond with the ad breaks edited out. The Lewisistas at Friki HQ are currently willing Nico to take out a BMW and himself, which isn't endearing them to Friki all that much. As if Nico would crash. As I type that, side by side stuff from Nico and Kubica. Ooooh.

• Lap 69 - IT'S AN INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENT! WHAT A DRIVER THIS MAN IS! AFTER 17 RACES, HE'S STILL PUSHING AND GETS WHAT HE RIGHTLY DESERVES! By this, Friki means Nico has passed Kubica for 4th.

• Lap 71 - Unleash the focking fjoory! Kimi takes the checkered flag, the money, the prizes, the plaudits, the women, the everything. He is our new WDC. Massa comes home behind him diligently, with Alonso an impotent third. No plaudits for you, McLaren.

Epilogue

• Kimi's manager has had a seizure. Brundle, following the failure of anyone British to win anything this weekend, calls for a "mind reset". Hmm. Kimi is weighed, and Friki's mate descends into rapture.

• Frikis Elbow Special Comments - The World Champion looks absolutely over the moon as he steps out of his car and leaps around in Parc Ferme....as if you'd believe that. He still looks like he's lost a fiver and found a penny. But one has to say he deserves it. Felipe played the team game really well, and I'm really impressed with Nico, who surely now stands a great chance of winning TUFFCIAWCC.

• Kimi starts the party early by taking a swig of champagne before the others are barely on the podium. Good job there ain't a harbour at this circuit, otherwise it's fair to say Kimi would be tumbling off a boat...

• The super-extended Finland/Italy anthems ring out around the Interlagos circuit as three sour-faced drivers watch on. The Milkybars are on Kimi as he receives his comedy oversized trophy. Congrats from Friki to F1's new champion, in case he ever gets around to reading this. This year has been a lot of fun. Maybe Friki will be back next year in some form or another. We just don't know. Either way, fare-thee-well.

• Frikis Arse Special Comments - Fitting really that after such a close and hard fought season, that Hamilton and Alonso finish on exactly the same amount of points. And Kimi won the most races, and it's always agreed that the driver who wins the most races should win the championship. Congratulations from Friki's Arse to Kimi.

Post-Epilogue

• 23:45 BST - See all that effort up there? See it? Read it? It may have all been for nothing. Just as Formula One seemed to have found a happy end to a season of bitter controversy with Kimi "not a cheat" Raikkonen taking his first title, the story may not be over. Race stewards have called an inquiry after the two BMWs and (sob) Nico Rosberg's Williams were found to have breached somesuch fuel temperature regulations. The upshot of that almost thrilling sentence is that the three cars may be disqualified which, can you credit it, would elevate Hamilton to 4th and give him the drivers title ahead of Raikkonen. If you're the kind of F1 fan that reacts to things like this by burning your Season Review DVD collection and screaming "I'M NEVER WATCHING SPORT AGAIN", I'd look away for the next few hours. Or better still, weeks.

• 23:55 BST - The inquiry comes from an apparent performance advantage from the fuel when it becomes too hot. Ironically, Friki remembers childhood days out where Friki's dad would leave the car in the sun all day. His performance on the drive home would suffer horribly. Friki can only imagine that Kubica, Heidfeld and Rosberg were touring around all race, wiping sweat from their brow and moaning about burning their hands on the faux-leather steering wheel.

• Frikis Elbow is about to have a coronary as the ridiculous saga that is F1 2007 shows no sign of an end. If this goes his way, surely Tyler takes over Michael Schumacher's crown as luckiest driver ever. Although he would deserve the title, like.

• 00:00 BST - Of course common sense would say that an inquiry eliminating these random drivers shouldn't decide a world title, but then should Nico have driven into Kubica in the last few laps, would that not have been an equally farcical, but equally factual way of deciding the title? Maybe. The philosophical side of these dramas make Frikis head hurt, to be honest, and it really just wants to go to bed. As the elbow reports "no penalty", the foot says "they've been DQed". Highlighting the pitfalls of idle speculation, if nothing else.

• 00:10 BST - The speculation-o-meter is now swinging safely towards the "no penalty" side for the three relevent cars. Hopefully we're on the verge of some confirmation.

• Frikis Arse can't believe that such a farcical season is again under doubt. Common sense would argue that the drivers may have benefitted from chilled fuel, but Friki may be speaking out of it's Arse when it says that there should be no penalty handed down. Hamilton winning the championship this way would be rather bad for F1.

• 00:35 BST - The thing about the phrase "on the verge" is in its delightfully flexible usage. England is, for example, on the verge of winter. The planet is on the verge of an environmental crisis. And the stewards are on the verge of a decision. Nobody said it would take a few minutes.

• 00:50 BST - Eurosport, the Comical Ali of reliable breaking news sources, is confirming Kimi as the WDC, as is most of Spain. But hey, Friki fell for the old "let's guess the news to break it early" trick at the WMSC hearing, so it won't get caught out like that again. Oh no.

• 00:55 BST - AND THERE WE GO! The BBC ticker reports "Kimi Raikkonen confirmed as Formula One World Champion". That will do Friki.

• Frikis Elbow was just about to go searching for some matchsticks to prop his eyes open, but can now relax and go to bed.

• 01:00 BST - So that is thankfully that. We've had some tasty coffee and choccies to round off this feast of a season, but thankfully they have had no real effect on the overall passage of the title. And Sky Sports News's response to this intrigue? "Aston Villa beat Sunderland!". Fascinating. Particularly as Sunderland were playing West Ham.

• Friki may have gone to bed, but Frikis Elbow is still awake as McLaren notify the world of their intention to appeal the stewards' decision not to penalise Nico, Kubbycar and Ickle. Will this page ever reach a conclusion?