2007/08 Premier League Season Preview - Reading - Wigan Athletic
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READING aka "The Royals"
PLAYERS IN: Kalifa Cisse (Boavista, £1m).
PLAYERS OUT: Steve Sidwell (Chelsea, free), Greg Halford (Sunderland, £2.5m).
THE GAFFER: Steve "Kojak" Coppell.
HOME TERRITORY: The almost memorable Madejski Stadium, named after Reading's chairman John Madejski in a shocking spasm of egotistical bizarreness.
KEY MAN: With Sidwell off to bench-warm at Stamford Bridge and new players thin on the ground after a largely frugal summer, Leroy Lita becomes Reading's talismanic hero.
HOPES AND FEARS: The "difficult second season" for last year's surprise package. The loss of Sidwell will hurt, but solid squad should keep them clear of relegation worries. They would be wise to bear in mind that Wigan had a similarly impressive season in their first year in the top flight only to slip dangerously down the table last season. Then again, Wigan signed Emile Heskey.
UP FOR A CUP? Possibly, though unlikely. Club has never made the final of either domestic cup competition and only reached the dizzying height of an FA Cup semi-final back in 1927. Did, however, win the much coveted Simod Cup in 1988 with a 4-1 win over Luton. Tasty.
IN A WORD: Quiet.
BEST BET: Team to never feature earlier than second-last in Match of the Day highlights running order except for meetings with big four - 10/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "BUSTED ROYAL FLUSH" - After toilets at stadium pack up at half-time during game.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 11th.
SUNDERLAND aka "The Black Cats"
PLAYERS IN: Dickson Etuhu (Norwich, £1.5m), Kieran Richardson (Manchester United, undisc), Greg Halford (Reading, £2.5m), Russell Anderson (Aberdeen, £1m), Michael Chopra (Cardiff City, £5m).
PLAYERS OUT: Kenny Cunningham (released), Tommy Miller (released).
THE GAFFER: Roy "Irish Git" Keane.
HOME TERRITORY: The underwhelming Stadium of Light, named after various more impressive stadiums around the world. A bit like renaming the town of Sunderland as "New Buenos Aires".
KEY MAN: New boy Dickson Etuhu looked tasty in his Norwich days. Then again, so did Darren Eadie. Potential capture of Wigan's Leighton Baines should bolster defence, with the added bonus of further crippling a club they are likely to be in a relegation scrap with.
HOPES AND FEARS: Sunderland's last two forays into the top flight have been embarrassing disasters. A combined total of 34 points across both seasons would barely have been enough to avoid relegation once. Much of that, however, can be blamed on hopeless ex-manager Mick McCarthy. Despite the fact that he is a classless thug, Keane should be able to keep Sunderland well clear of trouble this time around. And yet, Kieran Richardson? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
UP FOR A CUP? Expect little from Sunderland in the cups. Last meaningful run in either competition was an FA Cup final appearence back in 1992 as a Division One outfit.
IN A WORD: Uncomfortable.
BEST BET: Keane to repeat baffling outburst shouted at Mick McCarthy during his walkout from the Irish World Cup team in 2002 (namely the phrase "you can stick it up your bollocks") to random player/tv reporter. Incidentally this initial incident provoked the Guardian newspaper to report the outburst under the headline "Keane: A Tenuous Grasp of Anatomy". - 25/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "HALFORDS ON HIS BIKE" - New signing turfed out in transfer window. Halfords? They sell bikes? Clever, isn't it.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 15th.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR aka "Spurs"
PLAYERS IN: Gareth Bale (Southampton, £5m), Adel Taarabt (Lens, undisc), Yuri Berchiche (Athletic Bilbao, undisc), Darren Bent (Charlton £16.5m), Younes Kaboul (Auxerre, £8m).
PLAYERS OUT: Reto Ziegler (Sampdoria, undisclosed).
THE GAFFER: Martin "Yesh" Jol.
HOME TERRITORY: White Hart Lane. Accessible for away fans via gauntlet running sprint down Seven Sisters Road in North London, desparately trying to evade Spurs' hooligan element idly throwing glass objects at them as they go.
KEY MAN: In a move which has prompted most leading pundits to splutter "What the hell is he still doing there?!", Dimitar "Bobajob" Berbatov will continue to be able to showcase his many talents and frustrations as a diamond in a very rough strikeforce. Robbie Keane will make odd appearence and continue to do lame forward roll/air shooting celebration on the odd occasion that he scores. Signing of overrated English striker Darren Bent should pave the way for sale of overrated English striker Jermaine Defoe.
HOPES AND FEARS: Transfer dealings have thrown up a number of questions. Is 18 year old Gareth Bale ready for the Premiership? How is rent-a-striker mega-flop Darren Bent worth more on the transfer market than Thierry Henry? Who is Yuri Berchiche? If at least two of those are answered by May, Spurs should have confirmed another thrilling season of UEFA Cup football for themselves.
UP FOR A CUP? If Chas and Dave taught us nothing else, it was that Spurs only tend to win cups "when the year ends in one". So the fans have another four years to wait yet. Should progress well in UEFA Cup fixture minefield, before coming up short against whichever Spanish team they meet in the semi-finals.
IN A WORD: Predictable.
BEST BET: Berbatov to win "fans player of the season" award by more than 50% of the vote, beating the tea lady into second place - 1/100.
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "BERBAT-OFF" - When Dimi Berbatov finally realises he's too good for Spurs and ups sticks to Real Madrid in the transfer window.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 5th.
WEST HAM UNITED aka "The Hammers"
PLAYERS IN: Scott Parker (Newcastle, £7m), Julien Faubert (Bordeaux, £6.1m), Richard Wright (Everton, free), Craig Bellamy (Liverpool, £7.5m).
PLAYERS OUT: Paul Konchesky (Fulham, £3.25m), Nigel Reo-Coker (Aston Villa, £8.5m), Tyrone Mears (Derby, £1m), Yossi Benayoun (Liverpool, undisc), Marlon Harewood (Aston Villa, undisc).
THE GAFFER: Alan "Jellied Eels" Curbishley.
HOME TERRITORY: The tacky-looking Boleyn Ground, often mistakenly called "Upton Park" due to a) proximity of the ground to the Upton Park tube station b) the fact that it sounds a lot better than the "Boleyn Ground".
KEY MAN: With last season's influencial life saver Tevez almost positively certainly definitely off to bigger and better things at Old Trafford, Dean Ashton's return from long term injury will be just what the club needs, unless it wants an entire campaign of waiting for Bobby Zamora to strike a cow's arse with a musical instrument. Ex-con Bellamy should add much needed edge of dangerous criminality to first team line-up.
HOPES AND FEARS: Curbishley achieved much mid-table mediocrity at Charlton, and with a skin-thickening season like the last under his belt, will look to whip the West Ham squad back to the dizzy heights of their 2005/06 form. Should work, too.
UP FOR A CUP? 2006 run to FA Cup Final precipitated last season's big-headed shambles, so fans may be forgiven for praying for early humbling in third round trip to derelict non-league team.
IN A WORD: Ugly.
BEST BET: Bellamy to find demand for golfing partners far exceeds supply after last season's attempt to wrap a three-wood around former team-mate John-Arne Riise following karaoke falling-out - 3/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "CURBS CURBS CURBS" - After West Ham boss successfully petitions to reduce number of high pavements around the stadium.
FRIKI PREDICTION: 9th.
WIGAN ATHLETIC aka "The Latics"
PLAYERS IN: Antoine Sibierski (Newcastle, free), Titus Bramble (Newcastle, free), Mario Melchiot (Rennes, free), Andreas Granqvist (Helsingborg, undisclosed), Carlo Nash (Preston, £300,000), Jason Koumas (West Brom, £5.3m).
PLAYERS OUT: Matt Jackson (Watford, free), Arjan de Zeeuw (released), David Unsworth (released).
THE GAFFER: Chris "Who?" Hutchings.
HOME TERRITORY: The JJB Stadium, sponsord by a cut-price chav clothing shop selling tracksuits and gaudy trainers. Regularly half-empty on matchday, partly down to rapid rise up the ranks of football that Wigan have enjoyed recently, partly because the city far prefers it's rugby league team, Wigan Warriors.
KEY MAN: Wigan will need ex-Liverpool keeper Chris Kirkland to produce the form that persuaded Liverpool to spend money on paying him to sit on the bench a lot if they are to even have a chance of staying up this season. With positively shambolic list of strikers (Emile Heskey, Henri Camara, and did anyone else notice that at some point last season Wigan signed formerly promising Nigerian Julius Agahowa?), Kirkland may be needed to score a few at the other end as well along with keeping out host of chances presented to opposition as Melchiot and Bramble collide with each other fifteen times a game.
HOPES AND FEARS: If ever there is a sign of reassurance to prove to your fans that there will be no relegation battle this year, signing defensive shambles Titus Bramble is not it. Following that shocking decision up with deals for Mario Melchiot and Antoine Sibierski is just asking for trouble. Hutchings is unproven at this level and the loss of long-time leader Paul Jewell, coupled with hapless squad of failed ex-stars (Heskey take note) should ensure that this season, Wigan's top flight adventure comes to an end. Spending over £5m on terminally overrated Koumas is act of wanton lunacy.
UP FOR A CUP? Hopefully not. If they get anywhere in either cup, expect highlights packages of dreary hoof-and-hope football being played out under floodlights in front of three quarters empty stadium.
IN A WORD: Misery.
BEST BET: Half of the first team to apply to transfer to Warriors team in the January transfer window - 50/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "SUPER MARIO'S BROTHER" - Melchiot's sibling does something generous for some reason.
FRIKI PREDICTION: 19th.
