2007/08 Premier League Season Preview - Manchester City - Portsmouth
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MANCHESTER CITY aka "Citeh"
PLAYERS IN: Rolando Bianchi (Reggina, 8.8m), Gelson Fernandes (FC Sion, undisc).
PLAYERS OUT: Sylvain Distin (Portsmouth, free), Trevor Sinclair (released), Stephen Jordan (released), Hatem Trabelsi (released), Joey Barton (Newcastle, £5.8m), Nicky Weaver (Charlton, free).
THE GAFFER: Sven "Yes, Gary" Goran Eriksson.
HOME TERRITORY: Eastlands (aka The City of Manchester Stadium). Fans at this soulless sporting structure have struggled to replicate the old Maine Road atmosphere, though this has not been helped by the fact that Citeh haven't scored a league goal in front of their own fans since New Year's Day.
KEY MAN: Without meaning to put any early pressure on him, new pre-season signing Rolando Bianchi has a big job ahead of him, what with Citeh's other strike options being the floundering Emile Mpenza, the belligerently awful Darius Vassell and the comically inept Bernardo Corradi.
HOPES AND FEARS: Despite the xenophobic tabloid shouting and all the penalty defeats, Sven's managerial record with England was statistically the most successful of anyone bar Sir Alf Ramsey, which is actually rather impressive. Doubtless he will turn Citeh into a taciturn and overly defensive outfit, but after last season's shambles, would that be such a bad thing, Citeh fans? Svennis arrived late in the day, mind, and the protracted takeover bid from the Thai mafiosa has meant the club has stagnated in the transfer market, other than the unquestionably poor act of selling their two best players.
UP FOR A CUP? Unlikely. The last time these proud fans had a trophy to celebrate, post-war rationing forced the postponment of the champagne reception.
IN A WORD: Resilient.
BEST BET: Svennis to be caught in compromising position with club secretary, be hounded out of his job by vitriolic press and replaced by dour Englishman with less tactical nous than a Parkinson's-riddled pensioner - 100/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "SUNNY ERIKSSON" - Something to do with weather/complexion/new training regime involving consumption of Sunny Delight.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 14th.
MANCHESTER UNITED aka "The Red Devils"
PLAYERS IN: Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich, undisc), Anderson (FC Porto, undisc), Nani (Sporting Lisbon, undisc), Tomasz Kuszczak (West Brom, undisc).
PLAYERS OUT:
THE GAFFER: Sir Alex "Rudolph" Ferguson.
HOME TERRITORY: The majestic Old Trafford, Capacity: 76212, cost of prawn sandwich: £4.50, sight of stand full of plastic pseudo-fans struggling to follow/care about perfunctuary 4-0 win over team of relegation-fodder: priceless.
KEY MAN: Take your pick from Portugese trickster Cristiano Ronaldo, English clogger Wayne Rooney, potential new bulky Argentine striker Carlos Tevez (when they finally sign him) or up-and-coming Scottish starlet Darren Fletcher. Actually, probably not that last one.
HOPES AND FEARS: The champions just got more championnny. Laughing off claims that the Glazer takeover has left the club saddled with too much debt to compete on the transfer market, they look set to spend nearly £100 million in the transfer window on a variety of proven and unproven talent. With Arsenal and Liverpool having vast ground to make up and Chelsea on tickover, it's difficult to see anything else but more shots of The Neviller lifting the trophy aloft again come May. Hargreaves signing leaves last season's purchase of Hargreaves-lite midfielder Michael Carrick looking a little dubious, mind, and final squad liable to change once the Tevez saga reaches it's inevitable conclusion. If controversial bid for Gabby Heinze from Liverpool goes through, it may lead to rioting from the pockets of true fans seated in between the prawn-sandwich lot.
UP FOR A CUP? Siralex clearly wants to win the Champions League again before he finally retires. He may not have had a better opportunity than last season before capitulation to Milan in the semi-finals. FA Cup run dependant on ease of title win, Carling Cup run dependant on being out of the title race by mid October.
IN A WORD: Annoying.
BEST BET: Signing of Tevez to allow team to win "Ugliest Strike Force" Award for the season from Liverpool, who are let down by sweetness and light complexion of new boy Torres - 6/1.
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "NANI STATE" - After new Portugese signing breaks down in tears from homesickness.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 1st.
MIDDLESBROUGH aka "Boro"
PLAYERS IN: Tuncay Sanli (Fenerbahce, free), Jeremie Aliadiere (Arsenal, £2m), Jonathan Woodgate (Real Madrid, £7m).
PLAYERS OUT: Mark Viduka (Newcastle, free), Stuart Parnaby (Birmingham, free), Abel Xavier (LA Galaxy, free), Malcolm Christie (released), Danny Graham (released).
THE GAFFER: Gareth "Pizza Hut" Southgate.
HOME TERRITORY: The less-than-impressive Riverside Stadium. Only saving grace being that it isn't Boro's previous ground, the mortgaged-to-the-hilt Ayresome Park.
KEY MAN: If Jonathan Woodgate can keep the defence as miserly as it was at times last season, Boro should be fine, despite lack of real threat up front.
HOPES AND FEARS: Southgate disproved many doubters last season by masterminding a safe mid-table position for Boro, and this season should reinforce that position. On the other hand, Yakubu aside, they have little proven threat up front, so fans will hope that signings of Tuncay the Turk and Aliadiere the Abysmal prove to be constructive use of pre-season time.
UP FOR A CUP? Boro won the Carling Cup back in 2004, but now most of their reserve squad constitutes their first team, so may run out of options this season. FA Cup success as unlikely as Southgate completing post-match interview without stressing need to "look at the positives".
IN A WORD: Lacking.
BEST BET: Residual store of half-time snacks for Viduka causes massive increase in Yakubu's weight - 12/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "MIDDLES-BLUBBER" - After the above bet comes off.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 12th.
NEWCASTLE UNITED aka "The Toon"
PLAYERS IN: Mark Viduka (Middlesbrough, free), Joey Barton (Man City, £5.8m), David Rozehnal (Paris St Germain, £2.9m), Geremi (Chelsea, free).
PLAYERS OUT: Scott Parker (West Ham, £7m), Titus Bramble (Wigan, free), Antoine Sibierski (Wigan, free), Craig Moore (released), Olivier Bernard (released), Alan O'Brien (undisclosed).
THE GAFFER: Big Sam "Big Sam" Allardyce.
HOME TERRITORY: St James' Park. Traditionally featuring thousands of overweight topless Geordie men singing their hearts out on sub-zero December evening despite the team's capitulation to struggling opposition.
KEY MAN: Wantaway pint-sized mercenary Michael Owen was convinced to stay with the Toon after everybody ignored his pre-season come-and-get-me pleas. If he can link up well with Obafemi Martins, Newcastle could be in with a chance of Europe. If he doesn't, another season of post-match picket lines full of angry shirtless Geordies outside the chairman's window beckons.
HOPES AND FEARS: New players are a mixture of dubious hooligans and fat has-beens, but the squad was pretty solid to begin with anyway. If the traditional glut of injuries don't set in with first teamers and Geremi and Rozehnal bolster the leaky defence, the Toon should find this season a lot happier than the last. Though admittedly that wouldn't take very much.
UP FOR A CUP? If trophies were dished out on a needs-first basis, the Toon would win them all. Sadly for them, another season of waiting is likely to be the outcome instead.
IN A WORD: Alreet.
BEST BET: Joey Barton to be suspended from more than half the league campaign due to disciplinary hearing/pending court case/bail hearing/stretch in prison - 2/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "KANGAROO GIVES BERTH TO JOEY" - On hearing news that Viduka has kindly loaned Barton his parking space at the training ground.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 6th.
PORTSMOUTH aka Pompey
PLAYERS IN: David Nugent (Preston, undisc), John Utaka (Rennes, undisc), Arnold Mvuemba (Rennes, undisc), Sulley Muntari (Udinese, £7m), Sylvain Distin (Manchester City, free), Hermann Hreidarsson (Charlton, free), Martin Cranie (Southampton, undisc).
PLAYERS OUT: Svetoslav Todorov (Charlton, free).
THE GAFFER: Harry "Del Boy" Redknapp.
HOME TERRITORY: The revolting Fratton Park. Rumour has it that Pompey are also planning to build a new stadium within the near future. In order to maintain tradition, 20,000 litres of urine will need to be imported to be liberally doused throughout the away end.
KEY MAN: David Nugent has been brought in from Championship side Preston to prove himself at Premiership level. On the one hand, he could be this season's Dean Ashton. On the other hand, he could be this season's Kevin Kyle.
HOPES AND FEARS: Amongst all the everything last season, Portsmouth's post-Christmas slump from Champions League hopefuls to the straw-clutching that is UEFA Cup qualification was often overlooked. However, in the at times shockingly mediocre jungle that is the Premiership mid-table, Pompey should avoid most pitfalls.
UP FOR A CUP? Expect FA Cup run before defeat to "big four" club in TV-induced late kick off game.
IN A WORD: Flukey.
BEST BET: Harry Redknapp to sue Sky Sports after inference during interview that he once failed to pay a parking ticket - 14/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "DEFENSIVE HOWLER MET WITH LOOK OF DIST-AIN" - Own goal or something from new signing.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 13th.
