2007/08 Premier League Season Preview - Arsenal - Bolton Wanderers
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ARSENAL aka "The Gunners"
PLAYERS IN: Bacary Sagna (Auxerre, undisc), Lukasz Fabianski (Legia Warsaw, £2m), Eduardo da Silva (Dinamo Zagreb, undisc), Havard Nordtveit (FK Haugesund, undisc).
PLAYERS OUT: Jeremie Aliadiere (Middlesbrough, £2m), Fabrice Muamba (Birmingham, undisc), Mart Poom (Watford, free), Arturo Lupoli (Fiorentina, free), Thierry Henry (Barcelona £16.1m).
THE GAFFER: Arsene "Free The Paedos" Wenger.
HOME TERRITORY: The shiny new Emirates Stadium, a corporate beacon of modern design hidden away behind a series of archaic crumbling housing estates somewhere in north London.
KEY MAN: You could make a not-altogether unfair arguement that Cesc Fabregas is the sole remaining world-class player in any potential Arsenal starting XI going into the new season, and as such will have to shoulder the massive responsibility of coaxing consistent match-winning performances out the likes of the perennially dubious Alex Hleb, a job only slightly more difficult than attempting to broker a two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine crisis. Residual frustration may see Fabregas leave the club in January transfer window for position with UN Middle East negotiation team.
HOPES AND FEARS: No Henry, flakey looking replacement and continuing boardroom mutterings are the aspects of a pre-season that could see Arsenal become the first of the so-called "big four" to be swallowed up by the chasing pack. Also, despite best efforts of litany of youthful continental attacking full-backs, still don't actually possess a genuine winger in the squad. Still, Wenger has a knack of finding diamonds in the rough, so doubtless Bacary Sagna will lead the defence to a record number of clean sheets and Eduardo da Silva will turn out to be the resurrected soul of a pre-Viagra-ad-sellout Pele.
UP FOR A CUP? Struggled to break down a thoroughly underwhelming PSV Eindhoven side in Europe last year. An improvement of around 4000% on that could see them sneak into the quarter finals. Carling Cup always a good hunting ground due to enormous reserve squad filled with talented Gallic-speaking youngsters deemed too important to allow to disappear on season-long loan in the Championship.
IN A WORD: Squeaky.
BEST BET: Henry to make triumphant return in January transfer window after getting miffed that Sammy Eto'o won't join in with his weird, and slightly embarrassing, dancing goal celebration - 25/1
POSSIBLE TABLOID HEADLINE: "DA SILVA TURNS TWO GOAL-D" - After new Croat/Brazilian striker nets a couple of goals on debut.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 4th.
ASTON VILLA aka "The Villains"
PLAYERS IN: Nigel Reo-Coker (West Ham, £8.5m), Harry Forrester (Aston Villa, undisc).
PLAYERS OUT: Gavin McCann (Bolton, £1m), Jlloyd Samuel (Bolton, free), Juan Pablo Angel (New York Red Bulls, free), Stephen Henderson (Bristol City, free), Aaron Hughes (Fulham, £1m), Lee Hendrie (released), Steven Davis (Fulham, undisclosed), Chris Sutton (retired).
THE GAFFER: Martin "Never finishes a sent...." O'Neill.
HOME TERRITORY: Villa Park. Countless FA Cup semi-finals have graced this famous ground, usually because the FA need somewhere neutral to stage them and Villa are already out by that stage.
KEY MAN: Young England hopeful, and brilliantly named, Gabriel Agbonlahor will hope to build on a largely impressive debut season. Loss of Juan Pablo Angel to the retirement home that is Major League Soccer will tragically prevent any further "Angel Gabriel" tabloid headlines from brightening up reviews of dour 1-1 draws in the Sunday press. Reo-Coker expected to bring renewed drive and vigour to training ground car park one-up-manship league.
HOPES AND FEARS: Most rate Martin O'Neill as one of the canniest managers around. Even paying £8.5 million for overrated "Bentley Boy" Reo-Coker has done little to change that, so expect steady, if unspectacular improvement. Chris Sutton's retirement expected to improve attacking options immeasurabley. 17 of their 38 league games ended in draws last season, if they can start converting those draws into wins, the top half of the table or even the dizzying heights of European qualification are not out of the question.
UP FOR A CUP? As with many mid-table clubs, the FA Cup and Carling Cup offer best chance of silverware. Expect elimination from both by mid-January.
IN A WORD: Stubborn.
BEST BET: American owner Randy Lerner to rename club the "Aston Claret Sox" before end of season - 66/1
POSSIBLE TABLOID HEADLINE: "AGBONLA-SNORE" - After Gabriel's room mate complains about sleepless nights.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 10th.
BIRMINGHAM CITY aka "Brum"
PLAYERS IN: Garry O'Connor (Lokomotiv Moscow, £2.7m), Stuart Parnaby (Middlesbrough, free), Fabrice Muamba (Arsenal, undisclosed), Olivier Kapo (Juventus, £3m), Daniel de Ridder (Celta Vigo, free), Richard Kingston (Antalyaspor, free), Rafael Schmitz (Lille, season-long loan).
PLAYERS OUT: Bruno N'Gotty (Leicester, free).
THE GAFFER: Steve "Face only a mother could love" Bruce.
HOME TERRITORY: St Andrews. Rumour has it that it was built on the site of an old gypsy camp, and the gypsies cursed the stadium after they were evicted. They must have held one heck of a grudge, as it still seems to be in effect some 100 years later.
KEY MAN: Mikael Forsell has tried and failed in the Premiership many times before. He needs to pelt in the goals this time around, lest Birmingham quickly slip back from whence they came.
HOPES AND FEARS: Relegated in 2006, promoted in 2007, Birmingham are rapidly replacing local rivals West Brom as the "up and down like a hooker's knickers"-style club. Bruce has switched to Harry Redknapp mode on the transfer market, and bolstered his squad with a litany of freebies. Still no excuse for signing Stuart Parnaby, mind. A couple of wins in the Midlands derbies against Villa and relegation avoidance should be enough to appease the Brummie masses.
UP FOR A CUP? Never won the FA Cup, and only lifted the League Cup once, in 1963. So the form book says "no" rather emphatically.
IN A WORD: Mardy.
BEST BET: Bruce to panic-sign Arsenal's entire youth team on loan in January - 50/1
POSSIBLE TABLOID HEADLINE: "BRUM N COKE" - After players caught on post-match drinking bender.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 17th.
BLACKBURN ROVERS aka "The Rovers"
PLAYERS IN: Gunnar Nielsen (BK Frem Copenhagen, undisclosed), Maceo Rigters (NAC Breda, undisclosed).
PLAYERS OUT: Andy Todd (Derby, undisc).
THE GAFFER: Mark "Waiting for Fergie to bugger off" Hughes.
HOME TERRITORY: The imposing Ewood Park. Imposing because teams that turn up tend to get six shades of sh*te kicked out of them by Hughes's army of clubber defenders.
KEY MAN: A photo finish between midfield dynamo Morten Gamst Pedersen and goal "machine" Benni McCarthy. If both play as well as they did last year, Blackburn could be dark horses in most competitions. If they don't, success will rely on sometimes Aussie wing-back Brett Emerton learning how to play football during the pre-season.
HOPES AND FEARS: Little to fear for the Rovers, who will look to continue their blossoming improvement under Hughes. Lack of early activity on the transfer market may well highlight the fact that Hughes is more concerned about keeping McCarthy and Pedersen away from other clubs rather than signing fresh faces. That, or he's got no money.
UP FOR A CUP? Lengthy FA Cup run likely, so long as they avoid any of the "big four" in the early rounds. Carling Cup mainly used to disprove existance of youth team.
IN A WORD: Cloggy.
BEST BET: Hughes to complain to FA after 19 first team players pick up suspensions for pre-Christmas crunch match - 25/1
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "HUGHES KEANE FOR RE-MATCH" - After crunching 90 minutes of Blackburn v Sunderland fouling carnage whets Sparky's appetite for the return game against former team-mate.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 7th.
BOLTON WANDERERS aka "The Trotters"
PLAYERS IN: Gavin McCann (Aston Villa, £1m), Jlloyd Samuel (Aston Villa, free), Gerald Cid (Bordeaux, undisc), Blerim Dzemaili (FC Zurich, undisc), Zoltan Harsanyi (FC Senec, undisc), Danny Guthrie (Liverpool, season-long loan), Mikael Alonso (Real Sociedad, loan).
PLAYERS OUT: Tal Ben Haim (Chelsea, free), Henrik Pedersen (released), Quinton Fortune (released), David Thompson (released), Cesar Martin (released).
THE GAFFER: Sammy "Lil' Sam" Lee.
HOME TERRITORY: The Reebok Stadium, inspiration for countless new-build corporate tie-ins. If it wasn't for Bolton, rumours that Liverpool's new stadium will be called the Carlsberg Dome would never have surfaced.
KEY MAN: If they can keep hold of flitty French striker Nicolas Anelka, they may have a hope. But then when the going gets tough, Anelka usually responds with a transfer request. Elsewhere, Ivan Campo has signalled his intention to play another season, which won't help matters.
HOPES AND FEARS: Big Sam was the pungent glue that held a disparate squad together. Without Big's gum-chewing presence, Lil' could get overwhelmed. Plus they've signed someone called "Blerim Dzemaili".
UP FOR A CUP: Tend to do alright in the cups, without ever really threatening to win one.
IN A WORD: Nosedive.
BEST BET: Lil' Sam to be first managerial casualty in September after 4-0 thashing at the hands of Birmingham City - 2/9
PREDICTED TABLOID HEADLINE: "SHABBY ALONSO" - After new signing (and Xabi's brother) Mikael turns up for a photo shoot in a tatty t-shirt/jeans combo.
OFFICIAL FRIKI PREDICTION: 18th.
